UFC 121: Conan O'Brien (Brock Lesnar) Defends his Belt

This Saturday, October 23,  two impossible monsters are going to be locked in a cage and allowed to punch and strangle each other for up to 25 minutes. What I'm talking about is the main event for UFC 121: Lesnar vs. Velasquez aka A Juiced Up Talk Show Host vs. A Stone Wall made Flesh.

He'll make NBC pay in pain.

VS.

 He was created to punish villagers.

I'm sure not sure who will win this contest. I'm just happy that A) I'm not going to be in the cage or in any physical range of this clash of mythical beasts and B) I'm not either of their training partners.

Besides looking like Conan O'Brien struck a deal to become a Norse god, Brock Lesnar is built to kill men with his hands. His limbs are "you're not getting your toy back" long, he has the strength of a gorilla that just walked on broken glass and can tackle you as quick as Mini Cooper. Not to mention that he can do this all with the what will feel like the weight of the Earth coming down on you.

He's what Nazi's wished they could engineer.

His standup sucks (I hope he doesn't read this) but that's just because he's spent most of his life crushing rib cages and necks in the nook of his arm. Why would you bother making a fist to hit someone when you can grab them by the shoulders and fold them like an accordion?

Cain Velasquez looks like something out of an old fairy tale or story from the Bible to scare kids out of stealing or sleeping contently. They say he has extremely good cardio and never gets tired, like a Frankenstein like killer from one of those slasher films. Besides being well accomplished in making people fall down and forget how to stop hurting, he violates one of my rules of fighting.

He has ears from Middle Earth.

He's only smiling cuz he OWNS you.

Rule: Don't fuck with people with Cauliflower Ears. You only get that from being an ogre or spending so much time slamming your head into a dude in order to slam him into a  mat or parking lot that your ears look like a dog's chew toy. It's nature's way of telling you that this person is crazy and likes to fight. Often. It takes years of hard work and lack of physical preservation to acquire those kind of trophies. Not to say that this is any indication that Cain is better than Brock, I'm just voicing my own fears. Although I'd like Brock to know that I'm just as scared, if not more of him. Cain seems to smile more.

Which brings me to my other rule.

I'm not necessarily afraid of fighting someone larger than me, I know that there are blind men and fat women that outweigh me, but I will NEVER fight someone that is crazier than me. That's a fight that can't be won.

They say it's not about the size of the dog in the fight, it's size of the fight in the dog.  Which translates to when you're beating the shit out of someone and they go Tyler Durden on you and laugh about it, then you're in trouble.

Now that I'm done elaborating on my cowardice, here's my pick for the fight.

I'm thinking that this fight will make it into the third round. At that point  Brock and Cain will disappear in a ball of light and be whisked away to some alien planet where they'll  be paired together and have to compete in a gladiator style tournament against the toughest aliens in the universe. The two will have to work out their differences, that being Brock's disrespect towards Cain's Mexican heritage and Cain for correctly thinking that Brock's a dick.

I Shouldn't Have Kids

I got a flyer in the mail the other day that tried comparing taking care of a child to getting an oil change.   It had a picture of  some strange baby, crawling or rolling around on its back, I can't remember, looking up pathetically with the wording "Would you forget to change me?" placated across the bottom.

Would I ever forget to change a baby? I wish I could. They can scream and cry to remind you that they stink. They are also protected by laws and have mothers that will tell you that's its "your turn". Would I be inclined to ignore a baby?

Yes.

 Hell yes.

I'm way more likely to want to take care of my car, not that I do a good job of it, rather than tend to a baby. Why? My car serves a function. It allows me to drive places and pay for insurance that I 'll never use. It keeps the rain away and lets me sit in traffic.  It's not like some lazy, vomiting, diaper soiling baby.

Babies and children are leisure-time vampires and I want nothing to do with them.

This isn't because I CAN'T take care of living things. It's because I choose not. I once had a pet turtle as a kid but realized it wasn't going to become a talking ninja,  got bored with it and dumped it on my sister.

In short bursts I'm able to take care of living things. I've baby sat my sister's dog several times and it's still alive.

I was even a summer camp counselor once and as far as I know, all my kids lived. It wasn't a sleep over camp though, just a day camp were their parents would come and rescue them pick the kids up at the end of the day. Fortunately for the kids and myself, my group was composed of a bunch of nine year old boys, fully capable of seeking out and asking for any food or assistance that I was too negligent to provide for them.

I do like kids...when they're not screaming or asking for food. They're cool when they're smiling and laughing but I shut down as soon as they start grabbing at things or pleading to be let out of strangleholds. After that I just want to knock over their stroller, pacify them or cram them in a microwave. (Calm down. I wouldn't turn it on.)



My mom tried to convince me to keep a plant in my apartment. I clearly let her know that the plant would be dead in a week. Unless it was a cactus. Then it would be dead in three weeks.

Prince William isn't real.

If you didn't know, fancy-pants, British Prince William rescued a man on his first mission while serving the Royal Air Force. So that makes Prince William a prince, a helicopter pilot and a superhero. Otherwise, he's not a real person. He's a fucking work of fiction.

Where most people in his position would be busy snorting their family's fortune away and apologizing to judges in court, his majesty's royal overachiever is busy playing Johnny Quest.

Last week, I baked some chicken for the first time. I didn't burn it. I'm a fucking champion.

My Roommate's A Deadman

A couple of years ago I shot a pilot for a television show that was never aired and has been sitting in storage in a perpetual sitcom hell/limbo ever since. Why was the viewing public denied this creative treasure? I suppose at that time the network executives felt that America just wasn't ready to laugh it's collective balls off. WARNING: This video may make you laugh your mother's balls off.

My Roommate's a Deadman from Zeph aka "The Sexiest Man on Earth" on Vimeo.

Miserable Now = Happy When You're Dead?

If you're receiving oxygen to your brain then that title up there sounds like a joke. It is, but billions of inhabitants on earth don't know that. Then again, if that statement makes you want to nod your head and say out loud to no one in particular, in a voice I would imagine that sounds like Goofy or another mentally challenged cartoon character, "Yep, that's how it's all gonna work out", then you've probably already written me off as an immature, insecure asshole.  Well maybe I am but that doesn't change the facts. To put it as ignorantly simple as possible, that title is what religion is about.

No it's not!

Oh, yes it is. Well, the ones with a concept of an bonus round afterlife.

In a disrespectful oversimplification of things it works like this:

1. You're born
2. Spend you're life avoiding doing "bad" things and feeling guilty all the time aka having fun
3. You die and end up in Wonderland

That. makes. sense. right?

Well it says in this book that...


I don't give a shit what your books say or who was quoted saying whatever to a donkey or talking rock. Those books are thousands of years old and by now probably have been rewritten a hundred times by every corrupt king or emperor that was in power at the time. Yeah, there's some good lessons and practical knowledge in there but alot of it reads like a Lord of the Rings prequel.

Whatever book you're referring to surely started out with good intentions but then idiots got there hands on them and fucked them up. Through their own idiot filters they picked up on things that pertained to themselves and justified their actions and started twisting and preaching those ideas as the truth. The beautiful thing is anyone can do this. All you need is enough people to listen to make it valid. You don't even have to put it in book form. You could just post it on a blog... um...wait a second.

Why won't you sit and listen?

I will listen but I definitely probably won't believe you. I love having religion peddled to me. I find these attempted conversions amusing. How could I possibly turn away this free entertainment? It's not like the people at the mall that want you to try their magic, Dead Sea hand lotion, although I have let myself  be roped into their demonstrations more than once because I found their nail polishing routine very soothing and some of those girls wear low cut blouses. There's nothing to be purchased.


If there was a chance that they could somehow unlock my brain and dump their ideas in it, I might be a little threatened and belligerently dismiss them. But that would be like having a 7 year old convince me that Monday is a number or Jersey girls are sweet angels.

But life is miserable and the afterlife is our salvation.


It's been uttered about eleventy million times to humbled, suicidally disappointed adults that the grass is always greener on the other side. Well that's just an opinion. (Fuck you grass. Go cut yourself.) That also goes for the idea that life sucks.

Wherever you are in life, take some starving kid from a war-torn third world shit hole and throw them into your situation and they'll love. Now take some pampered billionaire prince and throw them into your situation and they may hate it. What's the difference between these two? Their opinions of things.

I'm pretty sure that when I die I'm going to be dead which is implied in the act of dying.  You know, like the way before I was born. Not existing.  Yeah I know it's only the body that dies and there's something beyond that but an afterlife? Come on cry babies. Just because you can't cope with what's going on now, doesn't mean you get a second chance to party it up in fantasy land.

I know it sound pretty bad and maybe a little embarrassing but you're actually responsible for your level of happiness or peace or whatever your missing right now. Scouts honor. So, you're actually choosing to be miserable. It's all your fault. It's your opinion that things aren't good enough around you. There will ALWAYS be something better if you allow yourself to think that way.

So, please go get a tac or large rusty nail and sit on it. It's your punishment for being so ungrateful and unsatisfied.


You need help. I'll pray for you.

Oh, please do. I could use the... Oh, you said pray. I didn't see the 'r' in there.

Twilight is Romance Porn

With all the 24 hour cable news stations and entertainment gossip websites out there it's easy to have your opinion's about the world spoon fed to you as if you were a hope crushing baby. If I wanted to think what other people told me to think I would attend church join a cult or made friends in high school. So in all fairness I decided to sit down, watch the first two Twilight movies and find out what all this Team Jacob and Edward shit is about for myself.

My current fascination with Twilight came while watching the most recent MTV movie awards and being eye-raped by Twilight promotion. I've known about Twilight but up until that point I didn't truly understand how deeply pop culture was infected by this garbage water, pus-filled sore of an epidemic.

Like most heterosexual males I entered my Twilight viewing experience with the impression that it was a walnut-brained, MTV drama grade horseshit with monsters. I even went as far as writing a short story mocking it with no other knowledge other than what I gathered from TV commercials and posters displayed at Hot Topic.

After bearing over four hours of teen-aged vampire-werewolf moodiness I can embarrassingly admit say that Twilight is even more retarded than I could ever imagine. It''s romance porn. 

Romance Porn?

Twilight has some things in common with the porn they block out at your office. It has bad acting and erotic excitement without any story. What it  lacks is all the sexually humiliating and borderline illegal acts to make it fun. What's left is just romance, boring, vapid romance.

According to Dictionary.com, romance can be defined as

               a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.

Vampires and werewolves falling in love with dull teenage girls? Sounds baseless to me. From my understanding, Twilight is about doing things you're not supposed to do because you're in love and also because that shit will get you killed. Example: fucking a vampire. Very romantic.

Characters

Twilight doesn't have pizza delivery men and lonely housewives to fill it's pornographic roles. Instead it has impossibly boring and one dimensional teenagers with superpowers and poor acting ability.

Bella Swan

Bella is a depressed and possibly autistic teenager that is attracted to guys that can easily murder her. She enjoys complaining, speaking in monotone, getting herself killed and avoiding sunlight. She is the heroine? of  the movies. Bella's emotions are the villain.

Edward Cullen

Edward is a 109 year old, emotionally unstable, blood sucking, albino, mind reading, liar that pretends to be a 17 year old high school student. His skin is made of  sparkling diamonds, he can run super fast, climb trees, stop moving cars and in nature is designed to be extremely attractive to lure in and murder his victims much like Ted Bundy. Even though he's a 100 years old he still acts awkwardly and fumbles over his words like a 11 year old girl or Alzheimer's patient.

Where's the love?

Edward digs Bella cuz he can't read her mind. He also wants to eat her in a Lion vs. Antelope way but won't because he doesn't eat humans. He's a vampire "vegetarian" that only sucks animal blood. He can also turn to a ghost and appear before Bella whenever she's about to get herself killed which makes stalking Bella very easy. Bella's and Edward 's romantic shenanigans are built around restraint and metaphorically playing "just the tip".

Jacob ???

Jacob is a Native American teenager that likes walking around shirtless in jean shorts and belongs to a secret, all boys club that makes you get a haircut.. He's kinda muscular, works on motorcycles, gets jealous easily, has a tattoo and can transform into a giant, bear sized wolf when he's angry.

Where's the love?

Jacob and Bella were friends when they were little kids and doesn't like Bella hanging out with vampires because he's a werewolf that hates vampires and wants to eat them. So when Edward leaves the country or whatever, Jacob moves in to "piss on his territory" and bone Bella. They never do though because Bella likes teasing Jacob even though he's ready to go all wolfman on her bony ass. 

Romantic Shit I Learned

1. If you love someone, you should do whatever it takes to get their attention. Like killing yourself.
2. Native American werewolves and immortal Europeans CANNOT  get along.
3. Vampires have a church in Italy run by Pee Wee Herman. The Pee Wee Herman vampire has the ability to rip your head off. This is the only way to kill a vampire.
4. Vampires are patient because they are old and don't sleep. This is why they like baseball.
5. If you date a werewolf, prepare to get your face torn in half.

Team Jacob or Edward?

Why the fuck would you want to get with a guy that is getting a boner over killing you? .....Team Mumm-Ra!

Breakfast Battle

My love affair with bacon began when I was 13. (Cue the harp music) Every weekend, first thing in the morning, it was bacon. Bacon with toast. Bacon with eggs. We were inseparable. Me and bacon against my stomach. Well, my stomach didn't really mind. It kind of egged me on (Pun intended! Yow!).

But I was only a child then. My bacon tastes still hadn't matured. I didn't know then that bacon tastes good on EVERYTHING. Salads, hoagies, burgers, soups and sodas. Bacon made everything gooder not better.

Me and bacon fell in love fast and hard. Under that type of condition, you get blinded. You ignore the truth.

ME: Fuck, Bacon you're killing me!

BACON: What are you talking about? I'm delicious. I'm not killing you. Just ask your stomach.

ME: But you're full of cholesterol! You're clogging my heart!

BACON: That I am. But it's all that grease that makes me taste so fucking good. Come on. Grab me and put me in your mouth.

ME: Oh, I can't quit you! Come over here.

BACON: Why don't you stab me with your fork big boy?

ME: Damn. I love it when you talk to me like that. I'm gonna chew you really slow.

BACON: No. I want it fast. Chew me fast.

ME: Oh, so that's how you want it huh? I hope you're ready for this. I'm gonna pour some OJ and take you down quick you salty slab of pig ass.

We stayed all hot and heavy. Until someone new came into town.

They called it scrapple. It was a grey, pasty block of left over pig parts. I've heard tales of it before but was too timid to wrestle the beast with my mouth.

Then a friend bought some and fried it up.

Might I say it was delicious?

Might I say it tasted like a porky breakfast angel?

I ate it with toast and eggs. I glazed it with ketchup and tickled it with my fork.

Unlike bacon, I could not eat this with ice cream or yogurt. It wasn't much of a team player. This little bugger, scrapple had to keep all it's goodness to itself.

So I cheated on bacon with scrapple.

Bacon got pissed at me and threw some grease at my face. I lost my cool and backhanded it. I connected and knocked it to the ground.

There it was on the floor, covered and dirt and hair.

"I'm so sorry" I cried as scrapple looked on from the frying pan.

"I never meant to do this. I just couldn't help myself!"

"Scrapple," I say "it means nothing to me. Not like you!"

I didn't talk to either of them for awhile after that. We'll not until the next Saturday.

It was morning and I was hungry. I wasn't going to let this food feud keep my belly from reaching happiness. That's when I thought of the impossible.

I took a couple of slices of bacon and cooked it up with a wedge of scrapple. The awesomeness of this meal was greater than any words could describe. Once I dumped the bacon and scrapple onto my plate, they formed some type of breakfast meal Voltron, complete with a blazing fork.

Bacon/ Scrapple Voltron took a swipe at me with it's blazing fork. I dodge it with my super computer processor ninja like reflexes. It was just a diversion.

It tried to climb out the window to escape but never made it. A couple of ketchup bottle squirts and a few chomps later and I was napkining leftover pig parts from the corner of my mouth.

 

Iron Man 2 : Better Than a Bag of Farts

Due to the insane popularity of this blog, I've been so busy lately answering Robots Fight Dirty fan-mail, appearing at autograph signings and doing TV and radio interviews that I've had trouble keeping up with my regular posting duties.  In order to keep this literary beast moving, I've decided to step aside and give up the writing chores to a guest blogger.

Being that he's my only biggest fan and a constant nuisance source of joy in my life, I'm letting the next post be written by my eight-year-old next door neighbor, Bad Little Andy. Recently Andy saw Iron Man 2 and cannot stop talking about, so I suggested that maybe he should put his ideas into writing and shut up about it to share his opinions with the world. Because of my hectic schedule I was unable to proofread  his entry. There may be spoilers and more typos than normal. Enjoy.


IRON MAN 2 Reviiew!!!!

by ANdy

First I like to say that I just saw the trailer to the movei Karate Kid. It was awesome.It had Jackie Chan being a homeless guy that beats up children and teaches Will Smith's daughter how to fight and do ballerina splits. Two bad girls are stupid. LOL

I lafted when the kids knocked the food in her face. They shoudl do that a 100 times. LOL.

Jackie Chan teaches her kung-fu instead of karate. They don't even listem to the movie tital! LOL!

This movei is going to be better than a bag of not farts. I hope they have it in 3D.



Iron Man 2!!!!!!


Iron Man 2 was better than a bag of  farts.  The movie was louder and had more robots than Iron Man 1.  At the end of Iron Man 1 everyone in the world knew who Iron Man was. So a retarded Russian guy tries to kill him with electric whips on a race track.His whips are too fast for the cars and cuts them in half.. He doesn't use a gun to kill Iron Man because he has whips. He has to use whips because bullets can't stop Iron Man even when he's not in his armotr. Teh Russian had bad teeth and tatoos. His hair was ugly and he looked stupid. **Spoiler** Iron Man doen't die.

Iron Man's mom yells at him a lot. Why do mom do that? Iron man lets her pretend to be him and act like a boss. In the first movie she just got him papers and kissed him. IN this movie she bosses him around. She says don't do this and don't do that. Why does Iron Man like her? She tells Iron Man not to do stuff but he does it anyway. She doesn't take away his toys or tell him to sit in time out.  Even the president yells at Iron Man and Iron man doesn't go to prison. Iron man just laughs at him. I wish I was Iron Man.

Another girl comes and Iron Man's mom gets jealous. Shje wears tight clothers and is nicer than Iron Man's mom.  And prettier(They should make a movie about her butt). She kills Iron Man's mom.  Just kidding. LOL!. She should of.  Iron mans mnom looks like a witch and she looks like a swimsuit model. And shes a ninja. Iron mans mom isnt a ninja.  She reminded me of my babysitter.

Iron Man's firend looks sadder than the first movie. So he gets an Iron Man suit and makes out with Iron man. HAHAH. GRoss. Just kidding. They shoot bad robots together. Iron Mans firend has more guns than Iron Man. He should get electric whips.

Iron Man invents something new and doesn't nam eit!!!

IN this movie Iron Man likes parties more than he likes other things. He as alot of parties for no reason. He doesn't ven show up to his last party unitl the middle. of  it.I'm not aloud to have parties.Or go to parties anymore.

I wish this movie was in 3D. That would be better than a bag of farts.

I give this movie 5 stars. This movie had more people and robots in it. They had a pirate that picked on  Iron Man but didn't steal his arm or.  Strange pirate. Iron Man and his friend fight a millions robots. **Spoiler*** They killed all the robots with farts. LOL  Iron Man getts to break things and no one takes away his video games. I hop e the next movie has more race cars and the ninjaas girls butt.

Unemployment = Overpopulation

What's the problem?
Unemployment is on the rise because there are not enough jobs. There are not enough jobs because there are too many people. The voice inside my head says that's called overpopulation.

Who's fault is it?
Computers and idiots.

Computers are making it really easy to replace human labor with efficient, sexy, complaint free robot labor. That means less human jobs. Robot machines are also allowing us to live longer through their blasphemous science pills and medicine. The problem is that it's hard to be mad at computers and robot machines because they operate the internet and provide the world with an endless amount of entertainment and information (porn).

Idiots on the other hand love having more children than they can take of (Octomom) which are inferior to super sleek, robot machine computers. And since everything in the world can be downloaded to MP3 or PDF format, there's no more jobs left but plenty of idiot parented babies around running around bumping into walls.


What should we do?

We could try making more jobs but that would require creating jobs that actually create a product that can be exported to suck up all that cocky, foreign money instead of having people in suits play with monopoly money (stock brokers, bankers). If we were smart enough to do that then we wouldn't be in this mess.

So what we need to do is a little 'crowd control'. We should  'remove' portions of the population permanently (murder people). Start with the most useless segment of our society. No, not babies. I guess the second most useless, not to mention unwanted, convicted criminals.

Why kill convicts?
Prisons are supposed to be correctional institutions that help facilitate criminals back into society. The problem is that some people are beyond correcting. In fact prisons are like a criminal summer camp where they get to trade the best crime tips and tricks and nurture their antisocial behavior.

I don't believe that all criminals should be 'removed' though. Just the hardened, fucked up ones that you would have no interest in working with or have live near you because of the nature of their criminal activity and not because they're  from an ethnic group you feel uncomfortable around (Blacks, Latinos) you racist.

My solution is to have tigers eat them.

Why tigers?
They are 600 pounds of murder. Fuck whatever PETA tries to say about. Tigers love killing and eating living things. Using tigers over bullets or hanging would be environmentally safe and very entertaining. They are on the endangered species list so feeding them humans would make up for the fact that we almost destroyed all of them.  Tossing them those fresh, unarmed humans to eat would be like a tiger's version of Las Vegas.
Consider it charity work.


Which criminals?
Here's a list of people that you will never read a feel good, Oprah book club story about. I won't miss them and neither should you.

1. Serial Killers - Jars full of fingers, a freezer full of heads and a basement of bodies. That's what serial killers are made of. Every once in a while, a charming murdering psychopath will come along and taunt the police with a series of disturbing letters and puzzles but for the most part, serial killers are lame and lack charisma. The last thing you want is to spend your coffee break making small talk with a guy that is not only boring but also fantasizes about eating you.

2. Rapists - There are two types of rapists. There's the type that like to wear ski masks and carry around duct tape then there's the type that hang in frat houses and pretend to be short of hearing. If you're idea of a first date involves a butterfly knife and surprise encounter behind a bush, then you belong in a tiger pit. If you like to booze women until they can't talk and then high five your 'bros about it, then you deserve genital warts.

3. Child Molesters - With many crimes you can rationalize the behavior and look for the positive benefit. For instance, stealing a sports car to impress your girlfriend or blowing up an abortion clinic to impress Jesus.

Let's try to justify THIS behavior. Fill in the blanks.

Mr. Smith lured Tommy into his _______ with ______ then convinced Tommy to pull down his _______ and touched his ________ with his _______.

If filling that out gets you excited you are a) a Catholic priest  b) soon to be on Dateline NBC c) perfect tiger food or d) all of the above.

4. People with Face Tattoos - Getting a swastika tattooed on your forehead or "Fuck the World" written on your cheeks is not something you do on a drunken dare. Unless you're a rapper or Mike Tyson, having a tattoo on your face is a clear declaration that you intend to never listen to anyone EVER. Good luck finding one of these jerk-offs a job when they get released... on the twelfth of never. There's a useful place for people like this. A tiger's digestive tract.

Conclusion
Now there should be a surge in tiger trainer jobs. If this doesn't solve the problem, then pick a fight with North Korea and have them drop a nuke on us. I'm sure that will keep everyone plenty busy.

Vegans are Idiots

I had an encounter last night with a vegan. Remarkably, not once did I try to strangle her.

Out of all places, it happened at a supermarket, like I want to have someone critique my eating habits. That's like running into a born again Christian at a strip club.

Grandmaster Vegan stood behind me in the checkout line, smiling and staring at me in some kind of protein withdraw haze.  She looked loopy, probably on the verge of collapse from having eating leaves, fruit peels and lint for the past three years (a vegan delicacy, I believe).

For eleven, somewhat rational years, she was a vegetarian. Now I can tolerate vegetarianism... if you're a girl. "I don't want to eat animals. I feel bad for them." That's cool as long as it keeps you from getting fat. I salute you. But as a dude, not to eat a steak or fried chicken to me is absurd. Conan, James Bond and Hercules would shake their heads in shame.  I guess they'd rather spend their time sitting crossed legged, wiping lettuce crumbs off their scarf and  sipping tea than engage in activities that require physical movement and aggression. Examples: fighting, fucking.

Now she's been VEGAN for three years.  That's the maximum security, serial-killer/ rapist territory of vegetarianism. Vegans don't consume ANYTHING that comes from an animal. That includes milk, eggs, honey and enjoying barbecues with your friends.

I told Space Commander Vegan that I do in fact eat meat. Obviously. I weigh over 90lbs and my bones aren't made out of powder. I told her I couldn't give up eating meat because I LOVE bacon.  No. I NEED bacon. Bacon is the greatest thing in the world. Greater than gold jewelry or overpriced Apple products

She explained to me that humans are the only animal on Earth that continue drinking milk way past infancy. I didn't have the heart to tell her that's not the only thing that humans do differently. We also drive cars, invented the internet and rule the fucking Earth. I think that entitles us to drinking liquids intended for babies WHENEVER WE WANT.

"Eating meat is so unhealthy" she says. But walking around like Gollum because my body is starved for nutrients isn't?

I stuck with my "I love eating animals cuz they are delicious" position as it wasn't so much a position as it was an undeniable law of the universe. She says  if I knew what they did to those "poor little animals" I would stop eating meat. Well she's  kind of right in that assumption. Assuming that I was a decent person because I DO know what they do to those animals. They butcher them and make them delicious.

Maybe if I had to stand there and witness every animal I was going to eat get murdered, I'd would turn vegetarian.(Never Vegan. No eggs!?) But this isn't because I'm a compassionate person. No. It's because I'm a coward. I hate the feeling of bugs squirming as I crush them between my fingers and a paper-towel. I'd much rather squash it with a phone-book, the bottom of my shoe or someone's baby. I couldn't imagine what it'd feel like having to gut a cow myself and have it's warm intestines and bowels splatter all over my face like a Japanese porno.

One way you could get me to stop eating meat is if you showed me a video that made animal slaughter look worse than child birth.  I've played plenty of video games and watched enough TV to where I'm desensitized to most acts of violence. But seeing a howling, mucus covered demon rip it's way out of a crying woman's body makes me want to use three condoms at a time.

That said, I've surprised myself before in the past.  If it really came down to me and a cow and I was hankering for a burger or a steak, I would blindfold my bovine opponent and introduce it to some lethal farm animal jujitsu. I'd probably be drunk the first couple of times but it WOULD get done.

She opened her Vegan wizard lips and said that they have vegetable substitutes for meat products. In her Vegan deviled tongue, she said they even had a bacon substitute WITHOUT breaking into hysterical laughter.   FUCKING BLASPHEMY!!!! That's like saying Tae-Bo is a substitute for  Muay Thai training or settling down and starting a family is a substitute for having scandalous affairs with hookers and big breasted gold diggers.

As I was leaving she mentioned that she taught a vegan cooking class at some high school, like I would be interested in listening to more of her horse-shit. Sorry but I have a rule that I don't buy into any belief system that restricts me from eating delicious food and enjoying myself.

I'd like to see one of these Vegan Humanoid Rabbit People Things go to some starving, third world shit hole and tell some kid with an eye full of flies and a machete in his hand not to eat his pet goat cuz it's not healthy.

Lady Gaga is Awesomely Crazy

Men tend to not have sex with people that could potentially kill them unless they are in prison or date Amazonian princesses.  The biggest danger a man fears from a sexual encounter from a girl is a bumpy crotch or too much teeth during fellatio. That's not as thrilling as it stressful. But imagine how sexy the danger would be if you were to bang a female serial killer...and live!

First off  I'm not talking about any run of the mill, lady serial killer. She has to be of the "kill by hand" variety.  That means no guns or poison.  That's just not fair.  I want my sexy ass serial killer to at least give me a chance to fight back. That's part of what would make her so appealing.

Secondly she has to be hot. Not cute. But HOT. This is the only way this scenario is going to work. Let's picture a sexy James Bond girl type assassin but not professionally trained to kill, she just does it cuz she's nuts. You'd want to seduce a Famke Jenssen look alike

and not some murderous swamp monster that happens to have lady parts.

Now imagine you spend the night with her, this chick that traveled the country and murdered over thirty guys with her bare hands, you bang her and wake up in the morning alive. How awesome would that be? You know for a fact there's thirty dudes out there that you are THAT much cooler than. Talk about stroking your ego.

Another plus is that since you know she's a serial killer, if she doesn't comply with whatever you want you could just report her to the cops.  You could pull off some pro-wrestling type moves on her, pile-drivers, suplexes, choke-slams and she can't say shit to anyone about it. In fact she may even like it. She kills people after all. She WOULD like it.

With all the danger and insanity, it'd be like fucking a sexy grizzly bear or a shark. Or Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga is a rare type of crazy that you only see in very passionate people, violently passionate but passionate nonetheless.  She has the same "I don't care if I make you uncomfortable" attitude as someone that likes strangling hookers, except she's a hundred times cuter about it.

I'm not saying that Lady Gaga is a murderer, she just seems mentally dangerous.

Experiencing Lady Gaga is difficult. She could of gone the easy route and dolled herself up, appear in a bunch of men's magazines and talk about her turn-ons and all other types of silly shit to appear sexy but instead she chooses to behave like an attractive, special needs kid playing dress up or a future Batman villain.

This aversion to being normal not only makes me nervous but makes me love her more. And not the way her gay fans do. I would actually get in a twosome with her as long as she doesn't have that rumored Vienna sausage, penis thing going on down there.

I love the fact that one day she made a clear decision to tell logic and normalcy to go swallow some cleaning fluid and dive off a rocky cliff.  When everyone decided to walk left she chose to climb a wall and drink an eggplant mojito.  I'm always fascinated by people that choose to be passionately defiant by themselves without needing a group or ideology that some scam artist came up with, to follow like zombie sheep. Some people march to their own drums then others will walk on their hands while beatboxing and wearing a polar bear suit.

Any girl could go out there and show her boobs and wiggle her ass in front of  a camera but Ms.Gaga makes you pay for it because she can and her she has a Martian brain.  I watch her dancing half naked in her videos and enjoy it but worry that I'm going to see some psychologically scarring androgynous shit that I can't un-see like David Bowie dressed as Ziggy Stardust. She's a child seeing what she can get away with before she gets fitted for a strait jacket.

Oh, to spend the night with Lady Gaga must be a wild, performance art like experience, like walking into a room full of cats wearing berets, recreating Pablo Picasso's works on canvas or substituting the reasonable part of your brain with jellybeans made of silver and haikus about long, wet grass. We've seen the ridiculousness of her outfits and know that she's crazy or just  European enough to conjure up plenty of things that are insulting and threatening to the senses.  In bed.

It would be cool. Sort of.

I imagine she would wear lingerie made out of red oak wood, suggest using rainbow colored, arms length, party sized, strap-ons and talk about how she wants to get inside of YOU while pointing to your dick. She would throw gasoline on your boner then give you a kiss, take a picture and text it to your parents. She'd mention having a threesome and tell you to go down on a rose bush then try to stuff a flute in your ass while she wears a straw basket covered olive oil and peeled grapes.

Whether you could live through Gaga's sexual barrage of insanity would be your ultimate test as a man. Most would cave in and leave thinking they were meant to be women but a true stud would tell her to shut the fuck up. "I don't role that way," they'd say firmly. You'd have to lay down the law and tell her you're not giving into her fuck-tard demands, the same way you'd tell the sexy serial killer that you're not letting her kill you tonight. Then you'd leave a big, red, hand mark on her ass and tell her that you didn't come here to "Just Dance", you're sick of this  "Lovegame". It's turning into a "Bad Romance" and you're going to "Poker Face."

If all went well you'd wake up the next morning without something crammed in one of your orifices or covered in some kind of indigestible liquid and fish scales.

Mo'Nique is NOT Precious: 82nd Academy Awards Can Suck It

Thanks to Google image search and the use of animated thumbnails to preview movie clips on free porn sites, I've accidentally seen enough gay porn to know that I don't want to intentionally see any gay porn. That being said; I will not watch "Broke Back Mountain".

"Broke Back Mountain" is one movie high atop my Do NOT Watch List. As far as I can tell, "Broke Back Mountain" is a chick flick about two gay cowboys. They're not even 'gun-fight-at-noon' cowboys.  I'm guessing if there's any violence in the movie it takes place after they drop trousers and start administering hands free prostate exams. So if I'm channel surfing and see as much as two cowboys hug each other, I'm pushing the TV out a window.

Recently I've found a friend to keep "Broke Back" company on my Do NOT Watch List. It's a disturbing movie with a long name called "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire".

Based on the lead actress, I thought it was about talking hamburger people or the Bizarro, female Biggie Smalls.

Baby, baby! Ugh!

The premise is far more disturbing.

In 1987, obese, illiterate, black 16-year-old Claireece Precious Jones (Gabourey Sidibe) lives in Harlem with her dysfunctional mother, Mary (Mo'Nique). She has been impregnated twice by her father, Carl, and suffers long term physical, mental and sexual abuse from her unemployed mother. The family resides in a Section 8tenement and subsists on welfare. Her first child, known only as "Mongo" (short for "Mongoloid"), has Down syndrome and is being cared for by Precious's grandmother.

It hurts just reading that, like someone vomited glass shards into my skull. I can already guess how this shit ends. Bad. Unless Frodo and Gandalf  appear, I don't see how the fuck that movie can turn out anyway good. I think in the sequel they drown and kick puppies and baby penguins to death and then make their corpses fill out tax forms.

But this isn't the main reason why I won't watch it. Though the depression factor is insanely large, it can not be held solely responsible.

Blame it on Mo'Nique.

 I can't stand her and her 'big is beautiful' attitude.  I wish she would lock herself in a Hostess factory and leave my eyes alone. I'm so AGAINST people believing they're beautiful when they're not. I wish we lived in a more shallow world we're people actually would strive to look beautiful instead of rationalizing it with 'self-esteem' and desperate men that would fuck anything with three warm holes.

And now she won an Oscar. So she's gonna feel better about herself. Which means she's gonna speak and be seen more. Both of which make me want to slam my dick in a car door.

MY Oscar speech:

"I would like to say the academy, for making fat douches like Mo'Nique feel special, you deserve to get infected by something embarrassing. And to the rest of you slimmer douches, I hope you all develop drug habits. Congratulations on having a platform where you are deemed important and can virtually masturbate in front of millions of viewers for working a dream job. P.S. Go fuck yourselves."

Sorry J-Woww

Hey, J-Woww, baby. I see you crying and I feel horrible for it. But look at me. I'm crying too. And it's not just because you broke my nose and knocked out a couple of my teeth. Oh well, yeah it is but I genuinely DO feel bad.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to (insert bar name here) to see you. I really wanted to go. I was going to show up four hours early so I had a chance of making it in the door and  paying the jacked up cover charge to see you but things just didn't work out that way.

I know you traveled this far because you wanted to be seen with me in public.  You wanted the world to know that even though you have the manners of  an eastern European convict, that their was someone out their that thought you were special and wasn't afraid of being within punching distance of you.

Know that you are special, baby.  You punch like a heavyweight kickboxer and have a chest that defies gravity. I've never had to defend myself while struggling to avoiding a boner induced coma.  You were my first time. And second, third and so on. You popped my cherry and possibly one of my blood vessels.

Hey, so maybe we won't be together but you'll be alright. You're really talented (have big boobs) so I'm sure you'll find another guy who loves you for who you are (can take a punch).

I'd really wish you'd stop hitting me, though. You punch like a man J-Woww. You got your point across when you hammerfisted my eye socket into pretzel dust. This is why I was a bit reluctant to come out and see you. Because of shit like this. And because you're crazy. And because of shit like this.

Oops. Kinda repeated myself. Guess the concusion is kicking in.

It was fun when you used to ditch the camera crew and sneak off the set of the Jersey Shore to come visit me. You were cooler then. I guess by that time at night you were all danced and punched out.

Figure now is as good of a time as any to let you know that I'm NOT a millionaire. What we did was fun (because you weren't being violent) but don't expect any free plastic surgery or tanning products like I promised.

So, darling, please let me out of this headlock. Even though what's left of my cheekbone is pressed against your boobs... on second thought.... You can keep hitting me.

John Travolta Creeps Me Out

That movie "From Paris with Love" has John Travolta playing some badass super agent, operative guy. I won't be watching this movie because I think the casting of John Travolta as a tough guy is five shades of stupid.

Having John Travolta go bald and rock a goatee doesn't convince me that he's well versed in hand to hand combat and capable of  wrecking shit.  Instead John appears to be a angry metro-sexual. If angered, I wouldn't fear that he would physically assault me. I'd be concerned that he'd try to sexually assualt me.

I say "try" because it would impossible for him. Just look at his head. He's not sneaking up on me or anyone with a dome that big. And he wouldn't be able to use his Scientology mind tricks to fool me into a sexual encounter with him. I know he was trying in that movie "Hairspray" but I saw right through that.

This movie is a lame attempt to make John Travolta cool and masculine again.  Even if he starred in a movie called "Raw Meat  Eating, Shark Strangling, Playmate Threesome Fucker" I think his work in drag has buried any notion of  him being a badass.

Don't say "retard"?

The world is getting softer and softer everyday.  People are getting upset with the use of the word retard and want to ban it.  End the Word  Why? It's such a beautiful word!  Why are people taking offense to this? Let's go ahead and band the word jackass as well, cuz we wouldn't want to offend any jackasses out there.

I understand that people have mentally challenged family members or friends, but that doesn't mean we should try and eliminate the word retard... unless you want to make it stronger!  Let's make the word super taboo so when someone DOES use it, it's ten times more effect.

In fact if you want to make a word obsolete, it's best to get middle aged women to use it up and send it to the grave like 'bling' and other once popular 'hip-hop' phrases.  It's only a matter of time until 'pimpin' is pulled off life support. Once Oprah and her book club start calling each other retarded you can start making funeral arrangements for the 'R' word.

Sarah Palin's gone on to say that the word 'retard' is as bad as the 'N' word. I think not. Unlike a racial slur, 'retard' can be used to describe ANYONE. That's the beauty of the word. It's not just used to described 'slow' people but becomes a perfect way to insult your friends in public.  It doesn't even have to refer to a person. It can describe an appliance, an article of clothing or system of belief. There's so many uses of the word that it's sexy.

People are getting their panties up in a bunch for the wrong reason. To my understanding, if someone is actually upset that they've been called retarded, then maybe they're not really retarded. I'm more upset thinking that they're are people out there, faking their way through life, eating pudding, wearing bicycle helmets and getting away with acting like assholes in public because we think they are 'handicapped'.

I call bullshit!

Instead of trying to ban the word, let's instate programs that teach people to have a sense of humor. I understand the word is hurtful. THAT'S WHY I USE IT. It's wouldn't be fun calling someone a fucking slo-mo thinker or dumb-dumb brain. That's retarded.

Now would I ever have this argument with a mentally handicapped person face to face? Of course not! Retar... um, the mentally handicapped are insanely strong. Why would I want to piss one off if they are within grabbing distance of me?  I like having my arms and legs attached to my body, thank you very much.