Miserable Now = Happy When You're Dead?

If you're receiving oxygen to your brain then that title up there sounds like a joke. It is, but billions of inhabitants on earth don't know that. Then again, if that statement makes you want to nod your head and say out loud to no one in particular, in a voice I would imagine that sounds like Goofy or another mentally challenged cartoon character, "Yep, that's how it's all gonna work out", then you've probably already written me off as an immature, insecure asshole.  Well maybe I am but that doesn't change the facts. To put it as ignorantly simple as possible, that title is what religion is about.

No it's not!

Oh, yes it is. Well, the ones with a concept of an bonus round afterlife.

In a disrespectful oversimplification of things it works like this:

1. You're born
2. Spend you're life avoiding doing "bad" things and feeling guilty all the time aka having fun
3. You die and end up in Wonderland

That. makes. sense. right?

Well it says in this book that...


I don't give a shit what your books say or who was quoted saying whatever to a donkey or talking rock. Those books are thousands of years old and by now probably have been rewritten a hundred times by every corrupt king or emperor that was in power at the time. Yeah, there's some good lessons and practical knowledge in there but alot of it reads like a Lord of the Rings prequel.

Whatever book you're referring to surely started out with good intentions but then idiots got there hands on them and fucked them up. Through their own idiot filters they picked up on things that pertained to themselves and justified their actions and started twisting and preaching those ideas as the truth. The beautiful thing is anyone can do this. All you need is enough people to listen to make it valid. You don't even have to put it in book form. You could just post it on a blog... um...wait a second.

Why won't you sit and listen?

I will listen but I definitely probably won't believe you. I love having religion peddled to me. I find these attempted conversions amusing. How could I possibly turn away this free entertainment? It's not like the people at the mall that want you to try their magic, Dead Sea hand lotion, although I have let myself  be roped into their demonstrations more than once because I found their nail polishing routine very soothing and some of those girls wear low cut blouses. There's nothing to be purchased.


If there was a chance that they could somehow unlock my brain and dump their ideas in it, I might be a little threatened and belligerently dismiss them. But that would be like having a 7 year old convince me that Monday is a number or Jersey girls are sweet angels.

But life is miserable and the afterlife is our salvation.


It's been uttered about eleventy million times to humbled, suicidally disappointed adults that the grass is always greener on the other side. Well that's just an opinion. (Fuck you grass. Go cut yourself.) That also goes for the idea that life sucks.

Wherever you are in life, take some starving kid from a war-torn third world shit hole and throw them into your situation and they'll love. Now take some pampered billionaire prince and throw them into your situation and they may hate it. What's the difference between these two? Their opinions of things.

I'm pretty sure that when I die I'm going to be dead which is implied in the act of dying.  You know, like the way before I was born. Not existing.  Yeah I know it's only the body that dies and there's something beyond that but an afterlife? Come on cry babies. Just because you can't cope with what's going on now, doesn't mean you get a second chance to party it up in fantasy land.

I know it sound pretty bad and maybe a little embarrassing but you're actually responsible for your level of happiness or peace or whatever your missing right now. Scouts honor. So, you're actually choosing to be miserable. It's all your fault. It's your opinion that things aren't good enough around you. There will ALWAYS be something better if you allow yourself to think that way.

So, please go get a tac or large rusty nail and sit on it. It's your punishment for being so ungrateful and unsatisfied.


You need help. I'll pray for you.

Oh, please do. I could use the... Oh, you said pray. I didn't see the 'r' in there.

Twilight is Romance Porn

With all the 24 hour cable news stations and entertainment gossip websites out there it's easy to have your opinion's about the world spoon fed to you as if you were a hope crushing baby. If I wanted to think what other people told me to think I would attend church join a cult or made friends in high school. So in all fairness I decided to sit down, watch the first two Twilight movies and find out what all this Team Jacob and Edward shit is about for myself.

My current fascination with Twilight came while watching the most recent MTV movie awards and being eye-raped by Twilight promotion. I've known about Twilight but up until that point I didn't truly understand how deeply pop culture was infected by this garbage water, pus-filled sore of an epidemic.

Like most heterosexual males I entered my Twilight viewing experience with the impression that it was a walnut-brained, MTV drama grade horseshit with monsters. I even went as far as writing a short story mocking it with no other knowledge other than what I gathered from TV commercials and posters displayed at Hot Topic.

After bearing over four hours of teen-aged vampire-werewolf moodiness I can embarrassingly admit say that Twilight is even more retarded than I could ever imagine. It''s romance porn. 

Romance Porn?

Twilight has some things in common with the porn they block out at your office. It has bad acting and erotic excitement without any story. What it  lacks is all the sexually humiliating and borderline illegal acts to make it fun. What's left is just romance, boring, vapid romance.

According to Dictionary.com, romance can be defined as

               a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.

Vampires and werewolves falling in love with dull teenage girls? Sounds baseless to me. From my understanding, Twilight is about doing things you're not supposed to do because you're in love and also because that shit will get you killed. Example: fucking a vampire. Very romantic.

Characters

Twilight doesn't have pizza delivery men and lonely housewives to fill it's pornographic roles. Instead it has impossibly boring and one dimensional teenagers with superpowers and poor acting ability.

Bella Swan

Bella is a depressed and possibly autistic teenager that is attracted to guys that can easily murder her. She enjoys complaining, speaking in monotone, getting herself killed and avoiding sunlight. She is the heroine? of  the movies. Bella's emotions are the villain.

Edward Cullen

Edward is a 109 year old, emotionally unstable, blood sucking, albino, mind reading, liar that pretends to be a 17 year old high school student. His skin is made of  sparkling diamonds, he can run super fast, climb trees, stop moving cars and in nature is designed to be extremely attractive to lure in and murder his victims much like Ted Bundy. Even though he's a 100 years old he still acts awkwardly and fumbles over his words like a 11 year old girl or Alzheimer's patient.

Where's the love?

Edward digs Bella cuz he can't read her mind. He also wants to eat her in a Lion vs. Antelope way but won't because he doesn't eat humans. He's a vampire "vegetarian" that only sucks animal blood. He can also turn to a ghost and appear before Bella whenever she's about to get herself killed which makes stalking Bella very easy. Bella's and Edward 's romantic shenanigans are built around restraint and metaphorically playing "just the tip".

Jacob ???

Jacob is a Native American teenager that likes walking around shirtless in jean shorts and belongs to a secret, all boys club that makes you get a haircut.. He's kinda muscular, works on motorcycles, gets jealous easily, has a tattoo and can transform into a giant, bear sized wolf when he's angry.

Where's the love?

Jacob and Bella were friends when they were little kids and doesn't like Bella hanging out with vampires because he's a werewolf that hates vampires and wants to eat them. So when Edward leaves the country or whatever, Jacob moves in to "piss on his territory" and bone Bella. They never do though because Bella likes teasing Jacob even though he's ready to go all wolfman on her bony ass. 

Romantic Shit I Learned

1. If you love someone, you should do whatever it takes to get their attention. Like killing yourself.
2. Native American werewolves and immortal Europeans CANNOT  get along.
3. Vampires have a church in Italy run by Pee Wee Herman. The Pee Wee Herman vampire has the ability to rip your head off. This is the only way to kill a vampire.
4. Vampires are patient because they are old and don't sleep. This is why they like baseball.
5. If you date a werewolf, prepare to get your face torn in half.

Team Jacob or Edward?

Why the fuck would you want to get with a guy that is getting a boner over killing you? .....Team Mumm-Ra!