Never Bet On Glen

Old Ass Times

JESUS: Can you warn me if a shit load of Roman soldiers pop up and start talking about crucifying me? For some reason I get the feeling that they might want to do that. And according to Mel Gibson, that shit ain’t pleasant. So with enough time I figure I can send my dad a text message and he’ll send down some thunder bolts to strike them down or something. Maybe he can even bring back the dinosaurs. Dinosaur meat is supposedly delicious. Can you do that ONE favor for me?

GLEN: Yup.

Nighttime in a Barn

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Did you lay down the landmines like I told you?

GLEN: Yes

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Did you setup the electrified, barb-wire fence that’s hooked up to the back-up sunlight and darkness powered generator that can pretty much never run out of power?

GLEN: Uh-huh.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Did you also initiate the limb slicing, laser grid security system with the robot dogs that bark fire and exploding bullets?

GLEN: Of course.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Then why the fuck are there a shit load of zombies knocking at our door? Tell me how they got pass all that shit?

GLEN: They ran fast.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: You didn’t do anything, did you?

GLEN: Well I was going to but there were zombies out there.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: There wasn’t any a week ago when I asked you to do it. I hope you have fun getting your brains eaten by a shit load of zombies because I’m going to suck down on this shotgun and blow my brains out.

He pulls trigger and nothing happens.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Goddam it! Where are the bullets for this?

GLEN: I left them outside.

A House in the Suburbs

MOM: Boys! Someone ate from the cookie jar. I know it was one of you two.  One of you two is in a shit load of trouble. Now fess’ up. Who did it?

STAN: I don’t know who did it mom. We were outside playing all day.

GLEN: Liar. You ate all the cookies and said mom is to fat and wrinkly to ever catch you.

MOM: WHAT! Is this true Stan?

STAN: No, of course not. Glen is making that up.

GLEN: Then he said by eating the cookies he’s doing you a favor because it will help to keep all that fat off your neck.  Cause there’s no way any sane man is gonna marry a woman with such fat neck.

MOM: I can’t believe this!

GLEN: Then he called you a lard brain with no fashion sense.

STAN: Dammit, Glen! You little snitch! You swore you wouldn’t tell! We took a fucking blood oath! Fucking blood! We’re supposed to be tight, like the devil and Ashton Kutcher.  

MOM: Stan you are so dead meat, little mister! Glen can you please get me my belt? I got a shit load of beating to give to your brother.

On Jeopardy

ALEX TREBEK: For a shit load of money, the answer is: An immature dumbass that is never reliable.

CONTESTANT 2: Who is Colonel Saunders?

ALEX TREBEK: Sorry no.

ME: Who is Glen?

ALEX TREBEK: Correct.

World’s Hottest Blonde Competition

HOST: Now it’s time for the moment you’ve all been waiting for: The  crowning of the winner of the World’s Hottest Blonde Competition!  Now can we have our two finalists step forward please?  Miss Jogs in the Park and has Huge Boobs and Miss I’ll Over Charge You  Bartender. Let’s have a round of applause for both these lovely ladies.

ME: Woah! Yeah!!! You’re both so fucking hot! I love you both!

HOST: Whoa! Haha! Calm down audience. Keep your head on.

I wipe the sweat from my forehead

ME: Whew. I’m sorry. I got a little worked up.

HOST: Sshh!!! Now our judges have voted and the scores have been tallied. May I have the envelope please?

A judge from off stage walks up to hand the host the results. During this brief lag the tension is too much for me to handle and I let out a shriek like a woman. Once again I am reminded to shut up. 

HOST:  Here it is. And the runner up…. Is…… Miss Jogs in the Park and has Huge Boobs! Which makes Miss I’ll Over Charge You  Bartender our winner!

ME: WOWOW! This is so awesome! Someone high-five me! One of you give me a hug!

HOST: Sir, excuse me sir. Can you please take a seat? Security.  Security!

ME: What’s the problem? I just want a hug. That’s not too much to ask for. Especially considering these girls owe me. Well, this one owes me. Miss Bartender. She lies to me and steals all my goddam money because she’s hot. It’s bullshit! This one, Miss Jogs in Park, well I’ve just been stalking her… Wait! Security get the fuck off of me!

HOST: Guys get him out of here.

ME: Most certainly do NOT get me out of here. Do you know who paid for the show?

HOST: Um, my gosh, no.

ME: Well maybe you should read your checks dipshit. I did! HAHAHAHA!

HOST: Great Caesar's ghost!

ME: Yeah, bitch-ass. This show is owned by ME! I paid for this shit. I did it to get revenge!

HOST: Oh me, oh my!

ME: That’s right. Shocking, isn’t? I set this whole thing up just so I could sleep with these blonde  hotties and then make fun of them.

HOST: Sweet Pete! You did what?

ME: I told both the girls that if they sleep with me that they could win the competition.  But little did they know that  there is no prize! HAHA! You’ve been fooled! Three hours of walking around in swimsuits and singing and playing instruments and answering questions about poor people was all for NOTHING! HAHAHA!

I pee myself a little bit

MISS OVERCHARGES: But I didn’t sleep with you.

MISS JOGS IN PARK: Yeah. Me neither.

ME: Oh yes you…. Oh, wait. Yeah. You didn’t. FUCK! You were supposed to sleep with me to win! Goddam it. THAT’S what I forgot to do. That goddam post-it note was NO help!

I start to cry

ME: What a waste. WHAT A WASTE! I sold my car to pay for this show. I’m broke! Broke! My wife is going to kill me.

HOST: Jeez Louise. You have a wife?

ME: Well, not really. I was going to black mail one of these girls into marrying me. Don’t ask me how.  That ain’t happening now. This whole plan was a complete failure! And I’m still a virgin.

HOST: Oh golly Molly, what?

ME: Nothing. Um, you’re all fired.

Hello Sunshine

Hey. Where have you been, friend? I missed you. It’s been so dreary without you. Nothing but clouds and lots of frowns.  I wanted to go outside and toss a Frisbee but no one wanted to join me. That’s because you weren’t there. 

What’s that you said? You missed me too? I knew you would. We get along so well together.  Did you get those tomatoes I left for you? Yup, just go and dry them out. They’re supposed to taste better that way, right? At least it sounds nice. That’s because it has your name in it. 

Oh, am I making you blush again? Well, stop being so modest.  It’s true; you do brighten up my day. I was talking about you to my stuffed animals just the other day. I had to let them know just how much I adored you! Then my neighbor’s cat had to interrupt my speech. So I got rid of him. 

It’s a little secret how I did it. But for you, I‘ll give you a clue. I threw him in something that rhymes with spicrowave.  Now he’ll never talk bad about you. No way, Sunshine. I’ll never let that happen again. You make me feel like….

….Owww mom, get off my arm! 

MOM: Goddammit. Are you talking to the lamp again?

ME: No, well, I, uh. I was recording a rap song.

A bottle breaks on my head.

MOM: If you’re going to lie to me, at least come up with something that makes sense! Why do you do this, shit? Talking to light bulbs and chefs hats and garden hoses? Why are you so fucking weird?

ME: They listen to me mom. Unlike you they….

Another bottle shatters on my head.

MOM: Did I tell you to sass me? I don’t need this shit. I really don’t. You’re a 7 year old man.  You should be out, living on your own, raising a family, holding down a steady job.  It’s by time you grow the fuck up.

ME: Sorry mom. 

MOM: Good. Now clean this mess up. People should be arriving for your birthday party soon.