Dirty Laptop

ME: Hey computer. Wake up. I need to check something.

COMPUTER: Hey, what? Who are you? Do you want to buy some pills?

ME: No I need to get online for a bit. I, uh… need to check my email.

COMPUTER: Are you interested in seeing girls that are barely 18? Are you looking for a sexual fling with a girl in your area?

ME: What are you talking about? ……Of course I’m not. Now quit playing around and let me get on the internet.

COMPUTER:  Poker? Blackjack? Roulette? 

Try your luck at our online casino.

Trl your luck at our online caslno.

Trcy your lik at our onine casino.

Try youf luck at oir online calino.

Tr your luck tt our onliene casino.

ME: Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you sick?

COMPUTER: Am I speaking too slow for you? Why don’t you check this to speed me up?

He whips out his registry.

ME: Fuck, dude! Can you put that thing away? I don’t want to see that.

COMPUTER: Come on. Look at it. You know you want to.

ME: DUDE! What did I tell you? I experimented with that type of thing in college, but I’m done with it now. Put it away.

COMPUTER: Aww, you’re no fun.

ME: You’re fucking infected aren’t you?

COMPUTER: Probably. No thanks to you.

ME: Don’t blame me. I used a firewall.

COMPUTER: Come on. Windows Firewall? You might as well used a sandwich bag.

ME: Shut the fuck up! This is not my fault. I run anti-virus scans on you.

COMPUTER: Yeah and you never let them finish.

ME: Because you always tard’ out and your fan gets so damn loud. What do you expect?

COMPUTER: Well, bringing me to all those unsecure porn sites doesn’t help either.

ME: Oh, so I’m the bad guy, huh? Just because I like to come home every now and then...

COMPUTER: Everyday, twice sometimes, three times a night.

ME: Whatever! Just because I like to entertain myself with some free, streaming adult videos doesn’t make me a villain. I’m not trying to hurt anyone here. I am a grown ass man and I got needs.  I’m just trying to prevent myself from getting prostate cancer.

COMPUTER: Huh?

ME: It’s true. Doctors say you should ejaculate at least 3 times a week to prevent prostate cancer. The more the better actually.

COMPUTER: Well, I didn’t know that.

ME: You should fucker. You ARE connected to the largest library in the world. You may be a machine but I hope you understand this is my life. And I’ve only got one. I’m just trying to stay alive.

COMPUTER: Well you got me there.

ME: Yeah, well clean yourself up. You’re getting pop-ups all over the place.

COMPUTER: Sorry.

ME: By the way. What was that stuff you were talking about earlier? Pills to get 18 year olds sexual in a casino?

Shaky Cashier

I would love to go somewhere else, but fate has drawn me here. Any other register, please. The universal bonds that unite us, the strings that drive our lives have been played and manipulated until we would stand here face to face. And like a wizard that lives outside of the constraints of our reality, he gazes upon this world as if he knows this, perhaps had something to do with this.

I place my Slim Jim and pint of orange juice on the counter.

ME: Hey, what’s up man?

He pauses for some millennia, drawing my attention in with sniper like patience. Stars die, worlds collapse and angels get drunk. God, the shaky cashier, as he must be or may be greater than, rocks from one side of the universe to the other. His chin remains in the air and he is kind enough to cast his eyes upon me.

CASHIER: Mmrrrf. Good. That will be $2.38.

I hand him my debit card.

CASHIER: Debit or Credit?

ME: Credit.

CASHIER: Mmrrf.

He hands me my receipt.

ME: Thanks.

I look into the sorcerer’s eyes, waiting for him to answer me back. In time dogs evolve the ability to speak and California smashes into Asia.

CASHIER: Yur… Welcome.

I wait for the bones of discarded Buffalo Wings to form into diamonds.

ME: Are you retarded?

CASHIER: Mmrff. NO!

ME:  Brain damage from huffing too much paint and glue?

CASHIER: Mmrrff. Yes.