Breakfast Battle

My love affair with bacon began when I was 13. (Cue the harp music) Every weekend, first thing in the morning, it was bacon. Bacon with toast. Bacon with eggs. We were inseparable. Me and bacon against my stomach. Well, my stomach didn't really mind. It kind of egged me on (Pun intended! Yow!).

But I was only a child then. My bacon tastes still hadn't matured. I didn't know then that bacon tastes good on EVERYTHING. Salads, hoagies, burgers, soups and sodas. Bacon made everything gooder not better.

Me and bacon fell in love fast and hard. Under that type of condition, you get blinded. You ignore the truth.

ME: Fuck, Bacon you're killing me!

BACON: What are you talking about? I'm delicious. I'm not killing you. Just ask your stomach.

ME: But you're full of cholesterol! You're clogging my heart!

BACON: That I am. But it's all that grease that makes me taste so fucking good. Come on. Grab me and put me in your mouth.

ME: Oh, I can't quit you! Come over here.

BACON: Why don't you stab me with your fork big boy?

ME: Damn. I love it when you talk to me like that. I'm gonna chew you really slow.

BACON: No. I want it fast. Chew me fast.

ME: Oh, so that's how you want it huh? I hope you're ready for this. I'm gonna pour some OJ and take you down quick you salty slab of pig ass.

We stayed all hot and heavy. Until someone new came into town.

They called it scrapple. It was a grey, pasty block of left over pig parts. I've heard tales of it before but was too timid to wrestle the beast with my mouth.

Then a friend bought some and fried it up.

Might I say it was delicious?

Might I say it tasted like a porky breakfast angel?

I ate it with toast and eggs. I glazed it with ketchup and tickled it with my fork.

Unlike bacon, I could not eat this with ice cream or yogurt. It wasn't much of a team player. This little bugger, scrapple had to keep all it's goodness to itself.

So I cheated on bacon with scrapple.

Bacon got pissed at me and threw some grease at my face. I lost my cool and backhanded it. I connected and knocked it to the ground.

There it was on the floor, covered and dirt and hair.

"I'm so sorry" I cried as scrapple looked on from the frying pan.

"I never meant to do this. I just couldn't help myself!"

"Scrapple," I say "it means nothing to me. Not like you!"

I didn't talk to either of them for awhile after that. We'll not until the next Saturday.

It was morning and I was hungry. I wasn't going to let this food feud keep my belly from reaching happiness. That's when I thought of the impossible.

I took a couple of slices of bacon and cooked it up with a wedge of scrapple. The awesomeness of this meal was greater than any words could describe. Once I dumped the bacon and scrapple onto my plate, they formed some type of breakfast meal Voltron, complete with a blazing fork.

Bacon/ Scrapple Voltron took a swipe at me with it's blazing fork. I dodge it with my super computer processor ninja like reflexes. It was just a diversion.

It tried to climb out the window to escape but never made it. A couple of ketchup bottle squirts and a few chomps later and I was napkining leftover pig parts from the corner of my mouth.

 

Iron Man 2 : Better Than a Bag of Farts

Due to the insane popularity of this blog, I've been so busy lately answering Robots Fight Dirty fan-mail, appearing at autograph signings and doing TV and radio interviews that I've had trouble keeping up with my regular posting duties.  In order to keep this literary beast moving, I've decided to step aside and give up the writing chores to a guest blogger.

Being that he's my only biggest fan and a constant nuisance source of joy in my life, I'm letting the next post be written by my eight-year-old next door neighbor, Bad Little Andy. Recently Andy saw Iron Man 2 and cannot stop talking about, so I suggested that maybe he should put his ideas into writing and shut up about it to share his opinions with the world. Because of my hectic schedule I was unable to proofread  his entry. There may be spoilers and more typos than normal. Enjoy.


IRON MAN 2 Reviiew!!!!

by ANdy

First I like to say that I just saw the trailer to the movei Karate Kid. It was awesome.It had Jackie Chan being a homeless guy that beats up children and teaches Will Smith's daughter how to fight and do ballerina splits. Two bad girls are stupid. LOL

I lafted when the kids knocked the food in her face. They shoudl do that a 100 times. LOL.

Jackie Chan teaches her kung-fu instead of karate. They don't even listem to the movie tital! LOL!

This movei is going to be better than a bag of not farts. I hope they have it in 3D.



Iron Man 2!!!!!!


Iron Man 2 was better than a bag of  farts.  The movie was louder and had more robots than Iron Man 1.  At the end of Iron Man 1 everyone in the world knew who Iron Man was. So a retarded Russian guy tries to kill him with electric whips on a race track.His whips are too fast for the cars and cuts them in half.. He doesn't use a gun to kill Iron Man because he has whips. He has to use whips because bullets can't stop Iron Man even when he's not in his armotr. Teh Russian had bad teeth and tatoos. His hair was ugly and he looked stupid. **Spoiler** Iron Man doen't die.

Iron Man's mom yells at him a lot. Why do mom do that? Iron man lets her pretend to be him and act like a boss. In the first movie she just got him papers and kissed him. IN this movie she bosses him around. She says don't do this and don't do that. Why does Iron Man like her? She tells Iron Man not to do stuff but he does it anyway. She doesn't take away his toys or tell him to sit in time out.  Even the president yells at Iron Man and Iron man doesn't go to prison. Iron man just laughs at him. I wish I was Iron Man.

Another girl comes and Iron Man's mom gets jealous. Shje wears tight clothers and is nicer than Iron Man's mom.  And prettier(They should make a movie about her butt). She kills Iron Man's mom.  Just kidding. LOL!. She should of.  Iron mans mnom looks like a witch and she looks like a swimsuit model. And shes a ninja. Iron mans mom isnt a ninja.  She reminded me of my babysitter.

Iron Man's firend looks sadder than the first movie. So he gets an Iron Man suit and makes out with Iron man. HAHAH. GRoss. Just kidding. They shoot bad robots together. Iron Mans firend has more guns than Iron Man. He should get electric whips.

Iron Man invents something new and doesn't nam eit!!!

IN this movie Iron Man likes parties more than he likes other things. He as alot of parties for no reason. He doesn't ven show up to his last party unitl the middle. of  it.I'm not aloud to have parties.Or go to parties anymore.

I wish this movie was in 3D. That would be better than a bag of farts.

I give this movie 5 stars. This movie had more people and robots in it. They had a pirate that picked on  Iron Man but didn't steal his arm or.  Strange pirate. Iron Man and his friend fight a millions robots. **Spoiler*** They killed all the robots with farts. LOL  Iron Man getts to break things and no one takes away his video games. I hop e the next movie has more race cars and the ninjaas girls butt.