Unemployment = Overpopulation

What's the problem?
Unemployment is on the rise because there are not enough jobs. There are not enough jobs because there are too many people. The voice inside my head says that's called overpopulation.

Who's fault is it?
Computers and idiots.

Computers are making it really easy to replace human labor with efficient, sexy, complaint free robot labor. That means less human jobs. Robot machines are also allowing us to live longer through their blasphemous science pills and medicine. The problem is that it's hard to be mad at computers and robot machines because they operate the internet and provide the world with an endless amount of entertainment and information (porn).

Idiots on the other hand love having more children than they can take of (Octomom) which are inferior to super sleek, robot machine computers. And since everything in the world can be downloaded to MP3 or PDF format, there's no more jobs left but plenty of idiot parented babies around running around bumping into walls.


What should we do?

We could try making more jobs but that would require creating jobs that actually create a product that can be exported to suck up all that cocky, foreign money instead of having people in suits play with monopoly money (stock brokers, bankers). If we were smart enough to do that then we wouldn't be in this mess.

So what we need to do is a little 'crowd control'. We should  'remove' portions of the population permanently (murder people). Start with the most useless segment of our society. No, not babies. I guess the second most useless, not to mention unwanted, convicted criminals.

Why kill convicts?
Prisons are supposed to be correctional institutions that help facilitate criminals back into society. The problem is that some people are beyond correcting. In fact prisons are like a criminal summer camp where they get to trade the best crime tips and tricks and nurture their antisocial behavior.

I don't believe that all criminals should be 'removed' though. Just the hardened, fucked up ones that you would have no interest in working with or have live near you because of the nature of their criminal activity and not because they're  from an ethnic group you feel uncomfortable around (Blacks, Latinos) you racist.

My solution is to have tigers eat them.

Why tigers?
They are 600 pounds of murder. Fuck whatever PETA tries to say about. Tigers love killing and eating living things. Using tigers over bullets or hanging would be environmentally safe and very entertaining. They are on the endangered species list so feeding them humans would make up for the fact that we almost destroyed all of them.  Tossing them those fresh, unarmed humans to eat would be like a tiger's version of Las Vegas.
Consider it charity work.


Which criminals?
Here's a list of people that you will never read a feel good, Oprah book club story about. I won't miss them and neither should you.

1. Serial Killers - Jars full of fingers, a freezer full of heads and a basement of bodies. That's what serial killers are made of. Every once in a while, a charming murdering psychopath will come along and taunt the police with a series of disturbing letters and puzzles but for the most part, serial killers are lame and lack charisma. The last thing you want is to spend your coffee break making small talk with a guy that is not only boring but also fantasizes about eating you.

2. Rapists - There are two types of rapists. There's the type that like to wear ski masks and carry around duct tape then there's the type that hang in frat houses and pretend to be short of hearing. If you're idea of a first date involves a butterfly knife and surprise encounter behind a bush, then you belong in a tiger pit. If you like to booze women until they can't talk and then high five your 'bros about it, then you deserve genital warts.

3. Child Molesters - With many crimes you can rationalize the behavior and look for the positive benefit. For instance, stealing a sports car to impress your girlfriend or blowing up an abortion clinic to impress Jesus.

Let's try to justify THIS behavior. Fill in the blanks.

Mr. Smith lured Tommy into his _______ with ______ then convinced Tommy to pull down his _______ and touched his ________ with his _______.

If filling that out gets you excited you are a) a Catholic priest  b) soon to be on Dateline NBC c) perfect tiger food or d) all of the above.

4. People with Face Tattoos - Getting a swastika tattooed on your forehead or "Fuck the World" written on your cheeks is not something you do on a drunken dare. Unless you're a rapper or Mike Tyson, having a tattoo on your face is a clear declaration that you intend to never listen to anyone EVER. Good luck finding one of these jerk-offs a job when they get released... on the twelfth of never. There's a useful place for people like this. A tiger's digestive tract.

Conclusion
Now there should be a surge in tiger trainer jobs. If this doesn't solve the problem, then pick a fight with North Korea and have them drop a nuke on us. I'm sure that will keep everyone plenty busy.

Vegans are Idiots

I had an encounter last night with a vegan. Remarkably, not once did I try to strangle her.

Out of all places, it happened at a supermarket, like I want to have someone critique my eating habits. That's like running into a born again Christian at a strip club.

Grandmaster Vegan stood behind me in the checkout line, smiling and staring at me in some kind of protein withdraw haze.  She looked loopy, probably on the verge of collapse from having eating leaves, fruit peels and lint for the past three years (a vegan delicacy, I believe).

For eleven, somewhat rational years, she was a vegetarian. Now I can tolerate vegetarianism... if you're a girl. "I don't want to eat animals. I feel bad for them." That's cool as long as it keeps you from getting fat. I salute you. But as a dude, not to eat a steak or fried chicken to me is absurd. Conan, James Bond and Hercules would shake their heads in shame.  I guess they'd rather spend their time sitting crossed legged, wiping lettuce crumbs off their scarf and  sipping tea than engage in activities that require physical movement and aggression. Examples: fighting, fucking.

Now she's been VEGAN for three years.  That's the maximum security, serial-killer/ rapist territory of vegetarianism. Vegans don't consume ANYTHING that comes from an animal. That includes milk, eggs, honey and enjoying barbecues with your friends.

I told Space Commander Vegan that I do in fact eat meat. Obviously. I weigh over 90lbs and my bones aren't made out of powder. I told her I couldn't give up eating meat because I LOVE bacon.  No. I NEED bacon. Bacon is the greatest thing in the world. Greater than gold jewelry or overpriced Apple products

She explained to me that humans are the only animal on Earth that continue drinking milk way past infancy. I didn't have the heart to tell her that's not the only thing that humans do differently. We also drive cars, invented the internet and rule the fucking Earth. I think that entitles us to drinking liquids intended for babies WHENEVER WE WANT.

"Eating meat is so unhealthy" she says. But walking around like Gollum because my body is starved for nutrients isn't?

I stuck with my "I love eating animals cuz they are delicious" position as it wasn't so much a position as it was an undeniable law of the universe. She says  if I knew what they did to those "poor little animals" I would stop eating meat. Well she's  kind of right in that assumption. Assuming that I was a decent person because I DO know what they do to those animals. They butcher them and make them delicious.

Maybe if I had to stand there and witness every animal I was going to eat get murdered, I'd would turn vegetarian.(Never Vegan. No eggs!?) But this isn't because I'm a compassionate person. No. It's because I'm a coward. I hate the feeling of bugs squirming as I crush them between my fingers and a paper-towel. I'd much rather squash it with a phone-book, the bottom of my shoe or someone's baby. I couldn't imagine what it'd feel like having to gut a cow myself and have it's warm intestines and bowels splatter all over my face like a Japanese porno.

One way you could get me to stop eating meat is if you showed me a video that made animal slaughter look worse than child birth.  I've played plenty of video games and watched enough TV to where I'm desensitized to most acts of violence. But seeing a howling, mucus covered demon rip it's way out of a crying woman's body makes me want to use three condoms at a time.

That said, I've surprised myself before in the past.  If it really came down to me and a cow and I was hankering for a burger or a steak, I would blindfold my bovine opponent and introduce it to some lethal farm animal jujitsu. I'd probably be drunk the first couple of times but it WOULD get done.

She opened her Vegan wizard lips and said that they have vegetable substitutes for meat products. In her Vegan deviled tongue, she said they even had a bacon substitute WITHOUT breaking into hysterical laughter.   FUCKING BLASPHEMY!!!! That's like saying Tae-Bo is a substitute for  Muay Thai training or settling down and starting a family is a substitute for having scandalous affairs with hookers and big breasted gold diggers.

As I was leaving she mentioned that she taught a vegan cooking class at some high school, like I would be interested in listening to more of her horse-shit. Sorry but I have a rule that I don't buy into any belief system that restricts me from eating delicious food and enjoying myself.

I'd like to see one of these Vegan Humanoid Rabbit People Things go to some starving, third world shit hole and tell some kid with an eye full of flies and a machete in his hand not to eat his pet goat cuz it's not healthy.