Who: The smartest scientist in the world.
What: World Science Conference
When: Right now
Where: An airship outfitted with a laboratory and 700 seat theater hall hovering 5 miles above the earth.
Why: To share and brag about brilliant scientific ideas and inventions.
-------------------------------------
Me: Everybody shut up! All your inventions are stupid.
(
The crowd gasps as I march down the aisle confidently like a drummer boy. I manage to slap the back of a few heads that fail to turn and recognize my presence.)
Speaker at the Podium: Pardon me!
Me: Hey, I don't speak French! I speak science, just like the rest of you dorks. I'm just cooler.
Speaker: What are you doing here?
(
I turn towards the audience dramatically. Think old school William Shatner.)
Me: I'm here to talk about science.
Balding Audience Member: (
Wagging his finger.) How did you get on this ship? Only the world's greatest scientist are allowed on this vessel. I'm not familiar with who you are.
Entire Audience: (
Like a herd of sheep.) Yeah.
Me: I'm the janitor.
Speaker: We don't have a janito... (
I cut him off.)
Me: Yeah, I'm the one that cleans up after all of you when you have your robot sex orgies.
(
The audience grows visibly embarrassed and shuts their scientific asses up.)
Me: I'm sick of you smucks thinking you're so damn smart. (
I point my finger gun at them.) I'm the smartest one here! (
I point my finger gun at myself and blow away the smoke.) You see I've been working here all this time just to steal your ideas.
(
The audience gasps again. The course I took in Pro-Wrestling Public Speaking is coming in handy.)
Audience Member with a Handlebar Moustache: This is preposterous!
Me: I'm not following you and your British, butler talk.
Audience Member with a Handlebar Moustache: My word!
Me: What's with you guys? You all seem pretty stuffy. By a show of hands, who here has never gotten laid?
(
A few hands go up.)
Me: With a human.
(
More than half the room raises their hands. My hand involuntarily shoots up as well. Luckily only a few see it since the majority are hanging their heads in shame. I force my honest hand down and hide it in my pocket to cover my guilt.)
Me: I see, I see. Now I know all you guys are here to talk about your new sources of clean energy, cures for cancer and other gay shit. I say nuts to that. What I got here blows that all out of the water. What I have here will change the world AS WE KNOW IT!
(
Silence.)
Me: How come no one's clapping?
Audience Member with Hideously Thick Glasses: Someone alert the security bots!
Me: Please do call them, SO I CAN BLOW THEM UP!
(
I rip open my button down shirt to reveal the bomb strapped to my chest.)
Audience Member with his Brain Encased in Glass: (Squinting) That's just a cereal box with the word "Bomm" written on it.
Me: You guys are cleverer than I thought. We'll let's see how...
(Before I can finish, one of those Jetsons looking security bots hits me with a stun gun from behind. The audience erupts in applause, hollering like they're on the Jerry Springer show. Some of the science nerds record this on their cellphones. Some throw calculators at me.)
Me: Don't do this! I must be heard! (The big, metal, cheap-shoting trashcan drags me out as I kick and twist my arm free.) These goggles... (I pull from my inside my pants) these goggles will change mankind... they're porno goggles!
(A hush falls over the room. The speaker at the podium stands tall with his arms stretched out like Moses.)
Speaker: (In a James Earl Jones voice) Stand down, security bots. (Gesturing towards me.) Sir, you have 5 minutes to speak.
(The crowd turns towards me as I walk back up to the stage adjusting my shirt and "bomm" box.)
Me: Jerks of the audience. I proudly present to you my porno goggles. With these goggles you can now tap into a new wavelength along the electromagnetic spectrum that will grant you ability to see PORNO VISION.
Audience: Awww! (A couple of attendees fall out of their chairs. One vomits.)
Me: Now this new wavelength, dubbed the porno spectrum, exist all around us. In this spectrum all different forms of porn are being played constantly on loop. Right now you could be sitting through a five way gang bang or a lesbian, car-wash threesome and with these goggles you can watch them, ALL OF THEM and no one, not your mom, your co workers or your wife will know. With these goggles, you can be at work, church, driving or giving a speech (ahem) and watch porn discreetly without interruptions; without embarrassment.
Audience Member with Dripping Wet Armpits: Are you talking about some kind of porn de-scrambler encryption technology?
Me: NO! But close. This isn't some kind of quack science. I'm talking about tapping into the earth's naturally supplied source of hardcore human porn. It's passing through us right now, like cancer waves from cellphones. And with these goggles, it can be yours, ALL DAY.
Audience Member with Three Arms: (Crying with big balls of snot running down his nose.) No way. That's impossible... sob... porn... all the time?
(I place my hand on his shoulder.)
Me: All the time.
Audience Member with Lab Coat Full of Frogs: (On his knees, nose running and shoeless.) I don't know what you're talking about but it sounds SO beautiful. It's a miracle! Sob...sob... I've dreamed of this since I was a boy... and NOW IT'S TRUE!
(The entire audience cries and shares hugs except for the scientist that has a robot dolphin for a body.)
Audience Member with Pogo Stick Legs: (Trembling, refusing to make eye contact.) My lord, may I view the porno vision?
Me: Yes my child.
(He nervously places the goggles on.)
Audience Member with a Head of a Hamster wearing a Beret: So how is it?
Audience Member with Pogo Stick Legs: Uh, it's just a marker drawing of a stick figure with boobs.
Me: Uh, yeah. It's a prototype.....
Audience:.....
Speaker: (
Still like James Earl Jones.) Security bots, kill him!
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All the information I wrote on Philip Seymour Hoffman came from what I found on Wikipedia. Honest. So the facts are as reliable as your 4-year-old neighbor's cardboard rocket ship and frying pan space helmet. I've only seen a couple of Hoffman's movies and from what I remembered, he annoyed the shit out of me. So why not write an article about him, right? I think he is a pretty good actor but I still find his roles to be annoying as an eye full of mosquito bites.
