Hey. Where have you been, friend? I missed you. It’s been so dreary without you. Nothing but clouds and lots of frowns. I wanted to go outside and toss a Frisbee but no one wanted to join me. That’s because you weren’t there.
What’s that you said? You missed me too? I knew you would. We get along so well together. Did you get those tomatoes I left for you? Yup, just go and dry them out. They’re supposed to taste better that way, right? At least it sounds nice. That’s because it has your name in it.
Oh, am I making you blush again? Well, stop being so modest. It’s true; you do brighten up my day. I was talking about you to my stuffed animals just the other day. I had to let them know just how much I adored you! Then my neighbor’s cat had to interrupt my speech. So I got rid of him.
It’s a little secret how I did it. But for you, I‘ll give you a clue. I threw him in something that rhymes with spicrowave. Now he’ll never talk bad about you. No way, Sunshine. I’ll never let that happen again. You make me feel like….
….Owww mom, get off my arm!
MOM: Goddammit. Are you talking to the lamp again?
ME: No, well, I, uh. I was recording a rap song.
A bottle breaks on my head.
MOM: If you’re going to lie to me, at least come up with something that makes sense! Why do you do this, shit? Talking to light bulbs and chefs hats and garden hoses? Why are you so fucking weird?
ME: They listen to me mom. Unlike you they….
Another bottle shatters on my head.
MOM: Did I tell you to sass me? I don’t need this shit. I really don’t. You’re a 7 year old man. You should be out, living on your own, raising a family, holding down a steady job. It’s by time you grow the fuck up.
ME: Sorry mom.
MOM: Good. Now clean this mess up. People should be arriving for your birthday party soon.
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And I'll pretend to read it. :)