Twilight is Romance Porn

With all the 24 hour cable news stations and entertainment gossip websites out there it's easy to have your opinion's about the world spoon fed to you as if you were a hope crushing baby. If I wanted to think what other people told me to think I would attend church join a cult or made friends in high school. So in all fairness I decided to sit down, watch the first two Twilight movies and find out what all this Team Jacob and Edward shit is about for myself.

My current fascination with Twilight came while watching the most recent MTV movie awards and being eye-raped by Twilight promotion. I've known about Twilight but up until that point I didn't truly understand how deeply pop culture was infected by this garbage water, pus-filled sore of an epidemic.

Like most heterosexual males I entered my Twilight viewing experience with the impression that it was a walnut-brained, MTV drama grade horseshit with monsters. I even went as far as writing a short story mocking it with no other knowledge other than what I gathered from TV commercials and posters displayed at Hot Topic.

After bearing over four hours of teen-aged vampire-werewolf moodiness I can embarrassingly admit say that Twilight is even more retarded than I could ever imagine. It''s romance porn. 

Romance Porn?

Twilight has some things in common with the porn they block out at your office. It has bad acting and erotic excitement without any story. What it  lacks is all the sexually humiliating and borderline illegal acts to make it fun. What's left is just romance, boring, vapid romance.

According to Dictionary.com, romance can be defined as

               a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.

Vampires and werewolves falling in love with dull teenage girls? Sounds baseless to me. From my understanding, Twilight is about doing things you're not supposed to do because you're in love and also because that shit will get you killed. Example: fucking a vampire. Very romantic.

Characters

Twilight doesn't have pizza delivery men and lonely housewives to fill it's pornographic roles. Instead it has impossibly boring and one dimensional teenagers with superpowers and poor acting ability.

Bella Swan

Bella is a depressed and possibly autistic teenager that is attracted to guys that can easily murder her. She enjoys complaining, speaking in monotone, getting herself killed and avoiding sunlight. She is the heroine? of  the movies. Bella's emotions are the villain.

Edward Cullen

Edward is a 109 year old, emotionally unstable, blood sucking, albino, mind reading, liar that pretends to be a 17 year old high school student. His skin is made of  sparkling diamonds, he can run super fast, climb trees, stop moving cars and in nature is designed to be extremely attractive to lure in and murder his victims much like Ted Bundy. Even though he's a 100 years old he still acts awkwardly and fumbles over his words like a 11 year old girl or Alzheimer's patient.

Where's the love?

Edward digs Bella cuz he can't read her mind. He also wants to eat her in a Lion vs. Antelope way but won't because he doesn't eat humans. He's a vampire "vegetarian" that only sucks animal blood. He can also turn to a ghost and appear before Bella whenever she's about to get herself killed which makes stalking Bella very easy. Bella's and Edward 's romantic shenanigans are built around restraint and metaphorically playing "just the tip".

Jacob ???

Jacob is a Native American teenager that likes walking around shirtless in jean shorts and belongs to a secret, all boys club that makes you get a haircut.. He's kinda muscular, works on motorcycles, gets jealous easily, has a tattoo and can transform into a giant, bear sized wolf when he's angry.

Where's the love?

Jacob and Bella were friends when they were little kids and doesn't like Bella hanging out with vampires because he's a werewolf that hates vampires and wants to eat them. So when Edward leaves the country or whatever, Jacob moves in to "piss on his territory" and bone Bella. They never do though because Bella likes teasing Jacob even though he's ready to go all wolfman on her bony ass. 

Romantic Shit I Learned

1. If you love someone, you should do whatever it takes to get their attention. Like killing yourself.
2. Native American werewolves and immortal Europeans CANNOT  get along.
3. Vampires have a church in Italy run by Pee Wee Herman. The Pee Wee Herman vampire has the ability to rip your head off. This is the only way to kill a vampire.
4. Vampires are patient because they are old and don't sleep. This is why they like baseball.
5. If you date a werewolf, prepare to get your face torn in half.

Team Jacob or Edward?

Why the fuck would you want to get with a guy that is getting a boner over killing you? .....Team Mumm-Ra!