Vegans are Idiots

I had an encounter last night with a vegan. Remarkably, not once did I try to strangle her.

Out of all places, it happened at a supermarket, like I want to have someone critique my eating habits. That's like running into a born again Christian at a strip club.

Grandmaster Vegan stood behind me in the checkout line, smiling and staring at me in some kind of protein withdraw haze.  She looked loopy, probably on the verge of collapse from having eating leaves, fruit peels and lint for the past three years (a vegan delicacy, I believe).

For eleven, somewhat rational years, she was a vegetarian. Now I can tolerate vegetarianism... if you're a girl. "I don't want to eat animals. I feel bad for them." That's cool as long as it keeps you from getting fat. I salute you. But as a dude, not to eat a steak or fried chicken to me is absurd. Conan, James Bond and Hercules would shake their heads in shame.  I guess they'd rather spend their time sitting crossed legged, wiping lettuce crumbs off their scarf and  sipping tea than engage in activities that require physical movement and aggression. Examples: fighting, fucking.

Now she's been VEGAN for three years.  That's the maximum security, serial-killer/ rapist territory of vegetarianism. Vegans don't consume ANYTHING that comes from an animal. That includes milk, eggs, honey and enjoying barbecues with your friends.

I told Space Commander Vegan that I do in fact eat meat. Obviously. I weigh over 90lbs and my bones aren't made out of powder. I told her I couldn't give up eating meat because I LOVE bacon.  No. I NEED bacon. Bacon is the greatest thing in the world. Greater than gold jewelry or overpriced Apple products

She explained to me that humans are the only animal on Earth that continue drinking milk way past infancy. I didn't have the heart to tell her that's not the only thing that humans do differently. We also drive cars, invented the internet and rule the fucking Earth. I think that entitles us to drinking liquids intended for babies WHENEVER WE WANT.

"Eating meat is so unhealthy" she says. But walking around like Gollum because my body is starved for nutrients isn't?

I stuck with my "I love eating animals cuz they are delicious" position as it wasn't so much a position as it was an undeniable law of the universe. She says  if I knew what they did to those "poor little animals" I would stop eating meat. Well she's  kind of right in that assumption. Assuming that I was a decent person because I DO know what they do to those animals. They butcher them and make them delicious.

Maybe if I had to stand there and witness every animal I was going to eat get murdered, I'd would turn vegetarian.(Never Vegan. No eggs!?) But this isn't because I'm a compassionate person. No. It's because I'm a coward. I hate the feeling of bugs squirming as I crush them between my fingers and a paper-towel. I'd much rather squash it with a phone-book, the bottom of my shoe or someone's baby. I couldn't imagine what it'd feel like having to gut a cow myself and have it's warm intestines and bowels splatter all over my face like a Japanese porno.

One way you could get me to stop eating meat is if you showed me a video that made animal slaughter look worse than child birth.  I've played plenty of video games and watched enough TV to where I'm desensitized to most acts of violence. But seeing a howling, mucus covered demon rip it's way out of a crying woman's body makes me want to use three condoms at a time.

That said, I've surprised myself before in the past.  If it really came down to me and a cow and I was hankering for a burger or a steak, I would blindfold my bovine opponent and introduce it to some lethal farm animal jujitsu. I'd probably be drunk the first couple of times but it WOULD get done.

She opened her Vegan wizard lips and said that they have vegetable substitutes for meat products. In her Vegan deviled tongue, she said they even had a bacon substitute WITHOUT breaking into hysterical laughter.   FUCKING BLASPHEMY!!!! That's like saying Tae-Bo is a substitute for  Muay Thai training or settling down and starting a family is a substitute for having scandalous affairs with hookers and big breasted gold diggers.

As I was leaving she mentioned that she taught a vegan cooking class at some high school, like I would be interested in listening to more of her horse-shit. Sorry but I have a rule that I don't buy into any belief system that restricts me from eating delicious food and enjoying myself.

I'd like to see one of these Vegan Humanoid Rabbit People Things go to some starving, third world shit hole and tell some kid with an eye full of flies and a machete in his hand not to eat his pet goat cuz it's not healthy.