World’s Hottest Blonde Competition

HOST: Now it’s time for the moment you’ve all been waiting for: The  crowning of the winner of the World’s Hottest Blonde Competition!  Now can we have our two finalists step forward please?  Miss Jogs in the Park and has Huge Boobs and Miss I’ll Over Charge You  Bartender. Let’s have a round of applause for both these lovely ladies.

ME: Woah! Yeah!!! You’re both so fucking hot! I love you both!

HOST: Whoa! Haha! Calm down audience. Keep your head on.

I wipe the sweat from my forehead

ME: Whew. I’m sorry. I got a little worked up.

HOST: Sshh!!! Now our judges have voted and the scores have been tallied. May I have the envelope please?

A judge from off stage walks up to hand the host the results. During this brief lag the tension is too much for me to handle and I let out a shriek like a woman. Once again I am reminded to shut up. 

HOST:  Here it is. And the runner up…. Is…… Miss Jogs in the Park and has Huge Boobs! Which makes Miss I’ll Over Charge You  Bartender our winner!

ME: WOWOW! This is so awesome! Someone high-five me! One of you give me a hug!

HOST: Sir, excuse me sir. Can you please take a seat? Security.  Security!

ME: What’s the problem? I just want a hug. That’s not too much to ask for. Especially considering these girls owe me. Well, this one owes me. Miss Bartender. She lies to me and steals all my goddam money because she’s hot. It’s bullshit! This one, Miss Jogs in Park, well I’ve just been stalking her… Wait! Security get the fuck off of me!

HOST: Guys get him out of here.

ME: Most certainly do NOT get me out of here. Do you know who paid for the show?

HOST: Um, my gosh, no.

ME: Well maybe you should read your checks dipshit. I did! HAHAHAHA!

HOST: Great Caesar's ghost!

ME: Yeah, bitch-ass. This show is owned by ME! I paid for this shit. I did it to get revenge!

HOST: Oh me, oh my!

ME: That’s right. Shocking, isn’t? I set this whole thing up just so I could sleep with these blonde  hotties and then make fun of them.

HOST: Sweet Pete! You did what?

ME: I told both the girls that if they sleep with me that they could win the competition.  But little did they know that  there is no prize! HAHA! You’ve been fooled! Three hours of walking around in swimsuits and singing and playing instruments and answering questions about poor people was all for NOTHING! HAHAHA!

I pee myself a little bit

MISS OVERCHARGES: But I didn’t sleep with you.

MISS JOGS IN PARK: Yeah. Me neither.

ME: Oh yes you…. Oh, wait. Yeah. You didn’t. FUCK! You were supposed to sleep with me to win! Goddam it. THAT’S what I forgot to do. That goddam post-it note was NO help!

I start to cry

ME: What a waste. WHAT A WASTE! I sold my car to pay for this show. I’m broke! Broke! My wife is going to kill me.

HOST: Jeez Louise. You have a wife?

ME: Well, not really. I was going to black mail one of these girls into marrying me. Don’t ask me how.  That ain’t happening now. This whole plan was a complete failure! And I’m still a virgin.

HOST: Oh golly Molly, what?

ME: Nothing. Um, you’re all fired.