Never Bet On Glen

Old Ass Times

JESUS: Can you warn me if a shit load of Roman soldiers pop up and start talking about crucifying me? For some reason I get the feeling that they might want to do that. And according to Mel Gibson, that shit ain’t pleasant. So with enough time I figure I can send my dad a text message and he’ll send down some thunder bolts to strike them down or something. Maybe he can even bring back the dinosaurs. Dinosaur meat is supposedly delicious. Can you do that ONE favor for me?

GLEN: Yup.

Nighttime in a Barn

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Did you lay down the landmines like I told you?

GLEN: Yes

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Did you setup the electrified, barb-wire fence that’s hooked up to the back-up sunlight and darkness powered generator that can pretty much never run out of power?

GLEN: Uh-huh.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Did you also initiate the limb slicing, laser grid security system with the robot dogs that bark fire and exploding bullets?

GLEN: Of course.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Then why the fuck are there a shit load of zombies knocking at our door? Tell me how they got pass all that shit?

GLEN: They ran fast.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: You didn’t do anything, did you?

GLEN: Well I was going to but there were zombies out there.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: There wasn’t any a week ago when I asked you to do it. I hope you have fun getting your brains eaten by a shit load of zombies because I’m going to suck down on this shotgun and blow my brains out.

He pulls trigger and nothing happens.

MAN WITH SHOTGUN: Goddam it! Where are the bullets for this?

GLEN: I left them outside.

A House in the Suburbs

MOM: Boys! Someone ate from the cookie jar. I know it was one of you two.  One of you two is in a shit load of trouble. Now fess’ up. Who did it?

STAN: I don’t know who did it mom. We were outside playing all day.

GLEN: Liar. You ate all the cookies and said mom is to fat and wrinkly to ever catch you.

MOM: WHAT! Is this true Stan?

STAN: No, of course not. Glen is making that up.

GLEN: Then he said by eating the cookies he’s doing you a favor because it will help to keep all that fat off your neck.  Cause there’s no way any sane man is gonna marry a woman with such fat neck.

MOM: I can’t believe this!

GLEN: Then he called you a lard brain with no fashion sense.

STAN: Dammit, Glen! You little snitch! You swore you wouldn’t tell! We took a fucking blood oath! Fucking blood! We’re supposed to be tight, like the devil and Ashton Kutcher.  

MOM: Stan you are so dead meat, little mister! Glen can you please get me my belt? I got a shit load of beating to give to your brother.

On Jeopardy

ALEX TREBEK: For a shit load of money, the answer is: An immature dumbass that is never reliable.

CONTESTANT 2: Who is Colonel Saunders?

ALEX TREBEK: Sorry no.

ME: Who is Glen?

ALEX TREBEK: Correct.