Impy Cockblocker

When I get drunk I tend to wander off from my friends. I'll find a couch to crash on, a corner to hide in or a toilet to vomit over. In the wild, animals separated from the herd are inevitably killed by large predatory cats. I’m not that fortunate. I get harassed by old, annoying hags.

I catch her from the corner of my eye. I slink in my seat hoping she doesn't notice me. Too late. She's making her way over.

I know her type. Her body, if you smear Vaseline over your eyes, could look young but her face is unmistakably ancient. Maybe one time in her life, maybe when Jesus was around, she was attractive. But in the modern era she looks like a Jack-O-Lantern left over in December.

Impy: Is this seat taken?

I avert my eyes from her and kick the sofa cushion to the ground. I then replace it with a small, lit candle just to make myself clear.

Me: Yes.
Impy: It looks empty. I'm going to keep you company.
Me: Why? What did I ever do to you?

She laughs and playfully strokes my arm. I make a mental note to soak that arm in Lysol.

Impy: How old are you?
Me: How old do you think I am?
Impy: You look old.
Me: Wow. That number is pretty close.
Impy: I'll say 41.
Me: 41!?
Impy: Yeah. It's the way you carry yourself.
Me: I guess in Bizarro World that's a good thing. I usually get early 20's.
Impy: I had a twenty one year old hit on me earlier.

I try to not spit out my drink. I try.

Me: Really?
Impy: Yeah. I could get a twenty one year old if I wanted.
Me: Well why don't you then?
Impy: I'm not into young guys.
Me: That's great to hear. Can you go fuck off?
Impy: You suck with girls.
Me: Thanks for pointing that out. I'm going to sip my drink and think about strangling you.
Impy: I could tell you had a lot to drink. I saw how you were looking at that waitress.

It wasn't just a look. This cocktail waitress was packing midgets in the back of her skirt. I ran her through a head to toe, eye fuck scanner. I'm surprised I didn't knock her off balance. At this point it's all I can do, with the booze turning me into a mush mouth and a Kebler elf running a Pro Bowl cock block on me.

Me: Yes. She was attractive. One thing I liked about her is that she knew how to shut the fuck up.
Impy: Do you think I can't get laid?
Me: I think there's a lot of things you can't do. Reach high shelves. Ride on roller coasters.
Impy: You know that I could take you down? I work with troubled children. I'm certified to use holds to them.
Me: Do I look like a child to you?
Impy: I've had to restrain kids that are bigger than you.
Me: Any 'kid' bigger than me is either fat or retarded. You should be proud.
Impy: I'm tougher than I look.
Me: I've noticed. You don't take hints very well. What do I gotta do to get you away from me?
Impy: Buy me a drink.
Me: Do they serve Liquid Drano and Sprite?
Impy: It's my birthday.
Me: Happy birthday. Are you collecting social security yet?
Impy: I don't look old. When me and my son go out, people ask me if I'm his older sister.
Me: I feel bad for your son. Is he Benjamin Button?
Impy: Buy me a drink.
Me: Only if you tell me where I can find your pot of gold.
Impy: You want to get with me, don't you?
Me: I want to get you in a bear trap.
Impy: Ask me for my phone number.
Me: Okay. You win. What's your name?
Impy: The kids call me Miss Kathy.
Me: There you go with the kid shit again. I forgot my cell phone. Do you have a sheet of paper and a pen?

She hands me a napkin and a pen from her purse. I jot her name down on the napkin. I think about jamming the pen in her eye but decide to get rid of her in a more civilized way.

Me: Here, can you read this out loud? I'm drunk. I want to know that I got it right.

She snatches the napkin from my hands.

Impy: Yhtak Ssim? What's that?
Me: It's your name backwards bitch. Have fun back in the fifth dimension.

A wormhole opens behind her, sucking her in feet first. She's batting her little arms, trying to dig her nails into the sofa chair while screaming “Curses!”. I act quickly by loosening her grip and dumping my drink on her before the vortex closes. Now that she's gone I can finally fart. It's loud and squeaky. The cocktail waitress with the WMD ass standing behind me finds it very unpleasant. I tell her that I've lost my friends and that I need to ride her home. She realizes that my slip was intentional and is kind enough to find a bouncer to drop me on my neck. Before he does, I bite her ass.