Halloween vs. Christmas

Stats

Halloween- Kids get to dress up like monsters and harass strangers for candy. Women get to wear skimpy outfits without being judged.

Christmas- Kids wake up thinking a fat man broke into their house to leave them presents. Adults get off from work.

Round 1

The holidays teach us that kids get good shit without ever having to earn it. Unfortunately for them I am jealous and bitter. Employing my Absent-Uncle Evasion technique, I avoid trick-or-treaters by “working late” and doing all my grocery shopping at night. As a plan B I’ll leave an empty bowl outside with a “Take one, please” sign. Damn, I must have run out.
Come Christmas, I don’t buy my nieces or nephews shit but add my name to the gifts bought by my siblings and parents. In this situation it’s best to fake distress. “Oh, I’ve been so busy” or “Oh, I’ve been so depressed.” Cut me a break. The kid probably won’t even remember. And if they do, then you’re just ‘that’ uncle.

Round 2

Halloween and Christmas are a drain on the creative juices. Everyone wants to have an original costume or buy the perfect present. These challenges are easily handled if you have no shame. Try putting a paper bag on your head and saying you’re George Washington, Cobra Commander or one of the Olsen twins. Most people won’t get it but that’s their problem. Unless they want to chip in the $50 to buy a real costume they need to shut the fuck up. You can also substitute paper bags with trash bags, KFC buckets or stockings.
What makes a good present? I would say any gift that the recipient needs or wants. And what we could all need more of is love. Or toilet paper. I’m trying to make things easier, so I’m buying the TP. If they want the other thing they can go wish on a star or take it up with their therapist.

Round 3

Just like alcohol, holiday gatherings can make people act crazy. On Halloween that craziness can be good. Girls will find anyway to make their costumes slutty/awesome. Construction workers wear mini skirts, taxi drivers have their thongs exposed and strawberry shortcakes wear pushup bras with their boobs hanging out. Amazingly I don’t have to tip them anything.
On the other hand you have Christmas dinner with the family. Or what I’d like to think of as a bunch of people I have no intelligent connection with, asking me why I live in my friend’s basement and when I plan on getting married even though I don’t have a girlfriend and haven’t been on a date in 3 years and then have them tell me I should stop blowing all my money on comic books and action figures and should start thinking about purchasing a house even though I make $9 an hour and take a bus to work. I’m drunk off of egg nog and apple cider so I curse at my mom, give my dad the finger, throw a plate of food at my brother and his wife and tell my nieces that Santa Clause isn’t real.

The winner: Baby Jesus