Drunk Girl Bowling

Whatever you do, don’t jam your fingers up in her. This is not how this game is played. In this game we’re trying to stay AWAY from rape charges. Now what you gotta do is find a girl who is borderline Anna Nicole Smith drunk. I’m talking one eye is always facing north, bra strap is around her waist drunk. The goal is to get the girl on the floor while taking out as many people or glass objects as possible. Punching, kicking or throwing her is against the rules. Too easy. Also, you can’t get caught. The last thing you need is her friends to call over the bouncer just so you can leave with your face broken.

Techniques

1. Trip- Simple and effective. Not very flashy but it gets the job done. You know the deal. Drunkee passes by and your out placed foot stays firmly planted. Thing is something’s got to give and my money says the one in the 3 inches heels carrying a handbag full of coupons and eyeliner in one hand and a fish bowl full of some blue mixed drink with her eyes half shut will be licking the floor boards quickly.

2. Bump- Like a matador it should be done with grace and flair, otherwise you’re just a dude pushing a drunk girl over. Thumbs down, meathead. Now take your shoulder, elbow or hip and gently guide her off course. You either want to get her when she’s on one foot or mid step. Then bump. But don’t plant yourself. This isn’t king of the hill we’re playing. Slide your way through the crowd or use a sweet ass spin maneuver. Try some Heisman trophy like footwork but just don’t take the stance.

3. Take Away- Funniest of all the techniques. Feint a kind gesture, like a comforting pat on the back and a handshake. Make sure you feint enough to where drunkasaurus rex will lean in to reciprocate but before she can make contact, look over her shoulder and wave to a friend or pretend that you heard your phone ring. Her beer soaked brain will be banking that those guiding hands of yours are enough to support her and provide sure footing but she doesn't know that they've vanished. If she’s enough of a mess, taking her 2 degrees off from vertical is enough to set this girl off balance and hopefully into a cocktail waitress.

Falls

1. Jaw Plant- She comes down straight like a yard rake to the face. She can’t move her hands in time to brace for her fall and takes it all on the jaw. Might be time to take a trip to the dentist.

2. Drag Down- It’s like learning how to ice skate as adult and you’ll be damned if you’re gonna bust your ass on that ice, so you grab your friend that brought you skating in the first place and lean on them as support but in turn end up taking both of you down. Well the girl is drunk, so she’ll paw at everything and everyone to keep herself up. That’s why you’ll be standing six feet back, nudging your friends in the arm, laughing.

3. Shoulder Slide- It’s like Slip-and Slide. She takes to the floor, on her side, shoulder first with no chance of regaining footing or dignity until all the mixed drinks, beers and floor scum come off her dress and out her hair. What will stop her is either a bar stool, a wall or the legs of a few unfortunate bystanders. And she won’t just take out one person. She’s sprawled out like a big on a skewer. She’s taking out a bachelorette party. And there she’ll be on her back, rocking like a turtle, under a pile of arms, legs and spilled beer bottles, speaking some drunk zombie tongue, and that’s when the bartender throws down his towel and yells at you “she’s had enough to drink, dude, get your Grandmom out of here.”