The Art of Celibacy (aka Dumpling)

I have a problem NOT getting laid. Where most men fight to get their dick wet, I struggle to keep it dry. My sex life is truly an uncontrollable beast that cannot be domesticated and taught to fetch. So I climbed a mountain to seek the tutelage of Grand Sifu Dumpling. Dumpling taught me everything I know in regards to human interactions. If anyone knew how to keep me from getting laid, it would be him.

Grand Sifu Dumpling fights a constant battle with gravity with hunched back, slack jawed contempt. His body is lopsided, as if his skeleton gave up on him and his organs are tasked to fill out his skin like a bean bag. In his half cross legged style of sitting, he fiddles with his MP3 player, presumably listening to the soundtrack to the first Pokemon movie and pondering the nature of crème filled donuts. When spoken to, he refuses to make eye contact and keeps his eyes barely open and drawn onto his music device. It’s one of his advance moves. Sifu Dumpling is the best.

Me: I'm trying to NOT get laid.
Dumpling: Do you have a penis?
Me: Yes and it works.
Dumpling: Strange. That's usually a deterrent. You sure you don't have a vagina? For some reason people with vaginas have a constant barrage of offers for sex. And they get free dinners and drinks as well.
Me: I'm damn sure about my dick Sifu. It almost froze and fell off when I was climbing up the mountain.
Dumpling: How about your friends? Are they idiots?
Me: Come on Dumpling. You know I have no friends.
Dumpling: Yes. Yes. That's right. You have an insanely repulsive personality.
Me: I learned from the best, sir.
Dumpling: Yes I see. How about your job? Do you work only with indecently fat men?
Me: Yes, sir. They can barely fasten the Velcro on their shoes.
Dumpling: Um… You have a particularly strange dilemma my son.

(I begin to cry.)

Me: Don’t you think I know this, Dumpling! Do you think I enjoy living this way? Do you know what it’s like not being able to leave my house without some stranger trying to sex me up?

(I pick up an urn and hurl it at the wall.)

Me: It’s feels like hell! LIKE HELL!
Dumpling: Are you sure you’re not a woman?
Me: Why because I’m having an outburst?

(Dumpling still doesn’t look up.)

Me: Fucking sure as hell I’m not. Look at… oh wait a second. Yup. These are definitely boobs. Yum. Big and full of silicone. I forgot I got these. I lost a bet. I’m sooo embarrassed. Sorry to waste your time.
Dumpling: No problem. Would you mind lifting your shirt up and doing some jumping jacks?